Adventures With A Man and His Hat

To The Dude Who Has Scrawled All Over My Front Fence

2007-04-11T15:35:00.000+10:00

Now see. Maybe if your tag was dope I'd actually lend a little credibility to your statements. But honestly, your penmenship is fucked. They way I see it someone should at least slap you for even holding a marker.

That is all.

It's all about ME

2007-03-06T13:17:00.000+11:00

It seems only fitting my return to blogging be a test for everyone else...
Why should I be the only one who has to endure the pain?!

Create your own Friend Test here

Hoorah For Deadly Viruses!

2007-02-06T13:25:00.000+11:00

What is the plural of "virus" anwyays. Virussseess? Virusi?

Exciting news in the Goulburn Valley today that some of their cows HAVE ANTHRAX! The best bit about it all - at least, from this jaded journalists viewpoint - is the reactions of the locals. Now, if you mentioned there was an anthrax outbreak in the centre of Mel-burn, there would be chaos. No one would venture outside. The Michael Jackson face-mask would become uber-popular. People would talk in hushed tones about moving to North Korea because it's safer. You know, the usual.

But here in the country? You could have got a more exciting reaction if the AFL decided to play a pre-season game in the town. Almost to a man (and woman) the locals have released a collective "...so? S'not that bad..." reaction to the outbreak. Which just proves that when you haven't seen rain in years, the idea of seeing a potentially fatal disease isn't really a fun substitute. "Can't really water me apple trees with anthrax now can I?"

Cool, previously unknown natural predators, volume 487: Can you tell I've been listening to country radio today? It appears that one of the foxes natural enemies is....the humble alpaca. Yes, those walking fairy-floss lookin balls of fluff are being used as GUARD ANIMALS for goats. And here's me thinking that the horny goats (haha) would gouge your eye out if you even looked at them with a smirk.

Oh, and I changed over to "new" blogger today. Hence the labels. I have NO idea what it all does yet, but the space monkeys in my head assure me I will be so much cooler for making the switch. The same cannot be said for Windows Vista, alas....

And if you are really feeling down, spare a thought for the dude that got KO'd by a wookie this week...

Quite Obviously Destined For Greatness

2007-02-05T12:54:00.000+11:00

Just to let you all in on a little secret. I am quite obviously on a fast track to greatness. World wide fame and fortune if you wil. Scantily clad women up in the pool. To quote the esteemed Sean-Bad, "the whole shebangabang".

Why?

I have beaten my mobile phone at poker THREE TIMES IN A ROW!

Evidence that Mensa were wrong to reject me ladies and gentlemen.

To other news and the Victory have made it through the Grand Finale of Australia's second A-League season after an injury time goal by James Robinson. The same James Robinson who only moments before had shanked a horrible pass between TWO (2) Victory players. The same English James Robinson who, only moments before, had us calling for his head. But a goal's a goal, right?! Top game, top night. God bless the Blue and White Brigade for the chants and atmosphere.

Not much else to report. I caught up on some much needed sleep on Saturday. Almost got hit by a car Sunday. Went to the aquarium in Melbourne again as well too. All the usual stuff really...

We're Back Again...After Another Break

2007-01-29T16:42:00.000+11:00

So I learnt some important things over this past weekend, which I believe can be adequately summed up thus:

- vodka is a lovely, if dangerous party beverage
- lukewarm pieces of pizza are inherently hilarious
- the floor is never too hard to break your fall
- the greater the number of people in a particular room, the less likely you will receive FM radio reception, particularly on a high radio useage day
- martial arts movies are a great way to recover post-drinking...there is always someone worse off and in more pain than you are. Plus, their pain is hilarious.

I have many compromising photos of myself (and others it has to be said) from the weekends Australia Day/Invasion Day celebrations. But they shall remain unpublished...for now...

Because. It. Is. NANNA NAP TIME!

Spy vs Spy Redux

2006-12-28T10:16:00.000+11:00

The Cat Never Knew What Hit It...

2006-12-28T10:15:00.000+11:00

It's Not Just Santa Who Comes At Christmas...

2006-12-28T10:14:00.000+11:00

Living Like Royalty

2006-12-28T10:13:00.000+11:00

Puttin' Those Bodies On Ice

2006-12-28T10:11:00.000+11:00

Even Ninjas Need Chairlifts Sometimes...

2006-12-28T10:10:00.000+11:00

It's A Big World Out There

2006-12-28T10:06:00.000+11:00

Even Wine Bottles Are Stealthy...

2006-12-28T10:04:00.000+11:00

Noel Loves His Hockey

2006-12-28T09:50:00.000+11:00

Noel Makes Himself Comfortable

2006-12-11T08:03:00.000+11:00

So Hot Right Now...

2006-12-05T15:09:00.000+11:00

Saw this is a show shop in Melbourne on the weekend. It made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me SO FRIGGIN' HOT RIGHT NOW!

Had a top weekend in Melbourne, living it up with T, doing a bit of shopping (Neil Gaiman books top of my list so I have reading material overseas), watching Cat Empire in concert (mmmm atmosphere), watching 'The Prestige' movie (mmm Scarlett Johansen non-acting ability/eye candy). Oh, and despite my best intentions, T now rules at Cluedo. Totally against my plans, but what's a guy to do.

Oh, and T and I bought a tent. Thats the exciting upside. The scary downside is that the places where we want to camp are all on fire. Thank you bush fire season!

Something which might hold your interest is SAVAGE CHICKENS. It's a cool webcomic, written on post it notes. And it's funny.

So its geeting excitingly close to FLY OUT DAY for this great Canada trip. Which means (and I know I'm harping on about this but I'm going to try and keep the two separate) that 'Adventures With A Man And His Hat' will take a break, with all further exciting travel adventures documented at http://davevscanada.travellerspoint.com. Brothers and sisters ought to recognise!

Noel claims his first victim(s)...

2006-12-01T14:19:00.000+11:00

Bogan Man v Emo Boy

2006-11-28T10:44:00.000+11:00

Conversation I overheard yesterday afternoon. I'll set the scene. "Bogan Man" is dawdling along on a smallish push bike, grey Bondsy revealing woeful ink art, buzz cut hair reminiscent of Full Metal Jacket, low slung jeans with cotton boxers hanging out, all of 18 years old. "Emo Boy" is standing talking to a third mutual friend/aquaintence, typical horizontal striped tee and tiny jeans.

Bogan Man's comment: "Seriously dude, you have turned into the biggest cocksucker in the last 6 months wearing make up and shit...what is wrong with you?"

L O L !

Now I'm not picking on emos here because that's unfair - I hate all little cutural subgroupings equally, including the ones I get lumped in - but that made my afternoon.

Bogans 1
Emos 0

Speaking of scores...we've made the futsal semi finals. God only knows how. I think we won all of 2 games in the past 2 and a half months, and if we had won last night "apparently" (I'm not convinced) we would have finished second. But we got done 15-3 (one goal to me). Hilarious!

On Music...

2006-11-28T09:44:00.000+11:00

So while my ninja hasn't arrived as yet, it DOES have a name.

Noel.

That's right. Noel The Ninja. Noel is such a staunch name, people will not mess with him (it?). It is also stealthy, like ninjas - I mean seriously, does anyone expect to see a Ninja Named Noel? Of course not! (Well that, and ninja's hardly walk around with name tags saying 'Hello, My Name Is...'. And it's also a well documented fact that those who have heard the name of a ninja have very rarely lived to tell the tale...) And it gets better - Noel also ties in with Christmas, namely, Noël (that's "NO-L" phonetically), which as Wikipedia says:

is a masculine French given name that means "Christmas

To other news now and I have scored myself yet another totally awesome rejection letter. Go for me. Though as people keep saying, I shouldn't get all emo yet because I still have A J OH B. Still, was a good excuse for retail therapy so I can't really complain can I?!

On music, and on the way home from Bendigo last weekend, I was trying to construct what would be my "Dream Band" (as it stands today, because really, it could change by tomorrow) regardless of genre etc etc. So here it is, going on the bands in my iPod and my current listening habits:

Nick Cave (vocalist 1)
Ella Fitzgerald (vocalist 2)
Freddy Mercury (vocalist 3)
Howlin' Wolf (vocalist 4)
Frank Zappa (guitar 1)
Jimmy Page (guitar 2)
George Harrison (guitar 3 - you can never have too much guitar)
Bootsie Collins (bass 1)
Les Claypool (bass 2 - MORE BASS!)
?uestlove (drums 1)
Lars Ulrich (drums 2)
Dave Brubeck (keys 1)
Sergiy Rachmaninoff (keys 2)
Miles Davis (instrumentals 1)
James Morrison (instrumentals 2)

and if they ever cut an EP...

Rick Rubin (producer 1)
Timbaland (producer 2)

I guess I can envisege them making little mini bands within the one big band and putting out a compilation of their efforts. Maybe Lars will rock out Ella's massive hair? Or Miles makes ?uestlove just go nuts? Potential everywhere....

Ninja Day

2006-11-27T10:22:00.000+11:00

Good news. My ninja, set to be my sidekick/partner in rhyme and crime on my great Canadian adventure, should be in my letterbox this afternoon. According to that fancy fandangled UPS tracking service, I know that my as yet un-named ninja (leave name suggestions below) stealthy left his (its?) Edison, New Jersey (USA) birth place on November 21. It (he?) evaded capture in Newark, New Jersey, before spending the night with some good ol' boys in Louisville, Kentucky. Stinking of liquor, he stagged into a luau in Honolulu, Hawaii on the morning of the 22nd, before spending the weekend in Ascot Vale, Melbourne Victoria. ETA: TODAY!

In other travel related news, I've officially packed. More details on Dave Vs Canada, on which all travel related stuff will now appear. D-day is fast approaching...woo hoo!

Not much else to report. Mowed T's lawns on Saturday but alas, forgot to do her nature strip. Ooops. Mind you, the lawns out the back were like 3 feet tall, and they now look lovely!

Had a BBQ dinner Saturday night with my brother, his wife and two kids plus the parents and T as a delayed birthday celebration. My nephew Aidan is going through a book phase. Does anyone remember 'Wilfred Gordon McDonald Partridge'? I remember Dad reading it to me. Top book, which brought back lots of memories.

Oh yeah, and we had an election or something on Saturday. Someone known as Bracksy won.

Office Christmas Parties: To Go Or Not To Go

2006-11-24T08:04:00.000+11:00

So I got my invite to the office Christmas party yesterday, all nicely printed up and arranged in Publisher no less. I guess I should be more excited about my first official 'employment christmas party invite', however it doesn't sound like anywhere near as cool as cocktails at masterTwig's end of year do. It DOES have a dress code of 'cocktail' however, with a strict no denim policy. And it comes to 'David and Guest' so it looks like they are trying to limit random people groping each other in the toilets as part of an alcohol induced haze to forget their bad kareoke performances.

So I dont think I will go. That, and it's a day and a bit before LE BIG TRIP.

Speaking of which, I have posted an itenary - such as it is - on my Dave vs Canada travel blog. DAYS until I leave people, just DAYS.

You Are 23.001 Years Old

2006-11-21T14:31:00.000+11:00

Happy Birthday Me!

(And, guess what? I have had waaaayyyy too much freckle again. Erk.)

Yes, it's that time of year again - the blow flys are back, the heat is painful, the shopping malls are full of Christmas decorations and I'm left wondering where my birthday went. Well, it's here. And despite the whole 'Get Up At 6am For Work' thing, I'm having an OK day. And with a home cooked lasagna dish courtesy of the lovely T, things will get better before they get worse!

And just to put everything in perspective, one of Australia's World War One Victoria Crosses goes on sale this time next week. The award given to one Lance Corporal Bernard Sidney Gordon of the 41st Battalion Australian Imperial Forces for his services in France.

"...Gordon was awarded the VC for conspicuous bravery and devotion to duty for his actions on 26-27th August 1918, east of Bray in France. His VC citation tells us that in the midst of fire, he single-handedly attacked an enemy machine-gun, killed the men on the gun and captured the post. In total Gordon's actions saw him capturer two officers, sixty-one ranks and six machine guns.

He was 19.

Had a busy/tiring/happy weekend of pre-Canada catch up with people. Yay for lazy weekend lunches in the Valley. Boo for four hour trips home.

Not much else to report. The trip to Canada sneaks every closer.

Me On Tee Vee!

2006-11-15T15:11:00.000+11:00

Melbourne might have the "Race That Stops The Nation", but Bendi-go-go aka Benders has the race that stops the...town/city-thing. So it was today, as crappy weather descended on the place for the first time in months, on the one day thousands want to dress up in their finest and get seen by, well, everyone!

So some horse named Gallic won the race, but the big news was I made the Tee Vee! Yes, yours truly had completed a simple "filler" piece for my television station's afternoon coverage and turns out, they needed to fill space. Terrible! I was seen everywhere from Mallacoota to Albury.

In much more interesting news...it is Fiona's birthday tomorrow. Fiona being my co-worker up here. And to really celebrate, we went halves on...A GIANT FRECKLE!

It was BIG! And now I am 'freckled' out...ergh!

Whiskers

2006-11-14T09:59:00.000+11:00

In case you haven't heard, November has been re-badged MOVEMBER in a bid to raise awareness for men's health, namely prostate cancer and depression. So I am doing my bit, growing hair on my face to make my balls happy.

Hmmm.

On the upside, I have found quite the awesome shirt that suits this MOVEMBER challenege to a tee...ha ha.

Ok, so I have been doing a little cleaning up of the blog here. The blog roll is updated, the "Hat List" of my current musical indulgences is refreshed, and I am here waiting for you dial 1900....no! I am, however, more than happy for suggestions on how to improve the layout. What funky things does this blog need to be absolute cutting edge??? Designs? Layouts? Funky widgets?

Speaking of blogs, I have begun detailing my trip to Canada at http://davevscanada.travellerspoint.com, which will also become my main port of call come December when I head there.

Not much else to report. SNAFU.

Due Recognition for Pumpkins!

2006-10-31T13:34:00.000+11:00

Day 1 after my job interview. Still got a bit of a buzz about. I am very happy with how the event panned out, but obviously I will have to wait a little and see what they actually think. There are, of course, things I could have done better, but I was still happy. I could know by Friday, but you never know with these things.

Exciting news! Today is a cause for celebration two times over. Maybe. One, its Halloween, and while we here in the Great Southern Land don't generally go for the whole trick or treat thing like our Yankee friends do, proper recognition of the humble pumpkin is something which is LOOONNNNGG overdue. That, and it's VANILLA ICE's BIRTHDAY!

Oh, and tomorrow (AUS time), the NBA season tips off, so if I start babbling about basketball at any length, you know why.

Apparently SBS is biased, and broadcasts smut and pornography. No...really? Dude...the only reason we WATCH SBS is because it is offensive, foreign and different. Don't shit on one of the only sources of quality tee vee we have, just because you can't be assed reading subtitles. Grrr hiss to you, buddy!

Flush Damn You!

2006-10-27T15:07:00.000+10:00

The loo here at work doesn't flush properly, causing me some distress at times. Because I sure as hell don't want to leave parts of my DNA just sitting there in a porcelain bowl where anyone could come along and...you know...do something dodgy. It's a worry, I tell you now!

All of our Canada bookings have been confirmed so woo hoo to us! I will update details soon on http://davevscanada.travellerspoint.com. Apologies for the fact it requires you to log in to comment - but you really don't care do you?!

Big weekend planned so far, plenty of quality hip hop to take in. Tongiht I head down to Saint Kilda for OBESE BLOCK PARTY 3. Featuring the following: Hilltop Hoods, Bias B, Funkoars, Layla, Pegz, Muph & Plutonic, Hyjak n Torcha, Drapht, Reason, Jase, Art Of War, Brotha Black.

Going to be a heck of a night...and I know NO ONE who is going, so could be interesting!

And then backing up again Saturday night to see Jay Z's first Melbourne concert. A very tired Sunday looks likely! :D

But I reckon theres a group of people who are going to be way more tired than I am. The PR section of the company who thought it was a tops idea to sell a pole dancing kit as a toy!!

The Peekaboo pole-dancing kit, which has a "sexy garter" to help "unleash the sex kitten inside" was sold in Tesco Direct's toys and games section, the Daily Mail newspaper reported.

"Soon you'll be flaunting it to the world and earning a fortune in Peekaboo Dance Dollars," its blurb reads.

"Unleash the sex kitten inside ... simply extend the Peekaboo pole inside the tube, slip on the sexy tunes and away you go!"

This made my weekend. Just remember, there is always someone out there stupider than you!

Mafia House

2006-10-19T13:11:00.000+10:00

...as distinct from the recent film "Monster House".

Without trying to attract myself too much heat here, I think there is a Mafia house near where I live presently. "Why do you say that, Hatman?" I hear the masses cry. Well let me tell you. It's grotty, small, unkempt and perpetually up for sale. It's one of those "fake brick" units that everyone thought were such a top idea in the 1970s. There is no garden, plenty of dust and crap paving out the front...and a bevy of SHINY, LUXURY CARS! There is the new, black, Holden HSV ute. The yellow Holden Monaro. The black BMW. All there, at various times. CONCLUSIVE PROOF that someone who takes Marlon Brandon a little too seriously is considering launching an alcohol cartel from a brown unit.

A weak link I know, but that's all I got.

The other thing I got (or "have" as the grammar nazis would have you believe) is a boules set, shiny yet subtle in its beauty. So we have been playing boules at work non stop these past few days, thus making work exponentionally more managable.

Oh, and I've gone back to original blogging Dave. Yes, I will shortly be putting my LiveJournal on a semi-permanent hiatus, focussing on this 'ere blog...plus a myspace...plus my occasional haiku blog...plus the forthcoming DAVE VS CANADA travel blog (which in turn will domiante proceedings between Dec 10 and Jan 8). Anyways, you get the picture.

BREAKING NEWS: CLIVE OWEN IS A MAN!

2006-10-04T11:54:00.000+10:00

And.....we're back.

Exciting news George Clooney fans, it appears the G-Train has either just scored himself new percription glasses, or clocked himself on the bedside table one morning. Because there is no other way to describe this outburst regarding Clive Owen:

"I think he's a movie star...He's like, a man - there's a sexuality and a masculinity that I think is really interesting."

Well Thank The Lord for George! He's really opened up my eyes to the world!

Speaking of opening things up...I'm currently planning a grand skiing trip to Canada with my father and am doing my research for accommodation. Apparently, the room I am interested in comes with a number of appealing features. Take a look:

Yasmin's NOT Getting Married...

2006-08-07T10:40:00.000+10:00

YASMIN'S NOT GETTING MARRIED!

Network Ten has left would-be bride Yasmin at the altar, canning its latest reality TV instalment, Yasmin's Getting Married, after just one week.

The show - playing cupid to find a young woman a husband - was dumped after a pitiful ratings debut.

Less than 800,000 viewers across five capital cities tuned in to watch the series premiere on Tuesday. Numbers dwindled to daytime levels by the end of the one-hour curtain-raiser.

But TV execs are not the heartless bunch we all expected them to be.

Yasmin will now have to resort to conventional match-making tactics to find a man. And when she does, Ten has agreed to foot the bill for her wedding.

BUT! That's not the best news. The show will be replaced by....FUTURAMA!

Life is so sweet right about now.

But, back to buisness. Can someone tell me the point of Daylight Saving? What does it actually achieve? We know we're getting extra daylight - don't you think we can tell that "oh, ok, last month it was dark at 7pm but its still light now at 8pm"?!

There was that funky little meeting between Australian premiers last week, where the Tassie leader - Lennon - said all the other states have got it wrong and it was about time we ALL started having daylight savings EARLIER. If we needed further proof our environment (or politics, pick one) is fucked up, here we are talking about more daylight in the middle (almost) of winter. Damn waking up at 6am and having it be light enough to do a jigsaw puzzle. I liked it better when it was dark as night - at least that confirmed it was a ridiculous time of the morning to get up.

Multiple Little Rants

2006-08-04T09:31:00.000+10:00

Rant 1 - 'Ranting About Ranting'
You remember how Bush-bashing used to be popular? US-bashing? Hanson-bashing? Well we have a new bashee. SILENT WHISPERS ON TV PROMOS-bashing! Everywhere I have turned in the past week - internetforums, public radio, commerical radio - I seem to be confronted with people saying "Oh, I hate how TV promos use that whisper to make their show sound cooler." Woop-ty-do. Surely there are bigger problems in the world, oh I dunno, something like WORLD PEACE?! Your fingers must soooo be on the cultural barometer for you to have had an original thought about that little TV promo. ITS JUST AN AD. We see hundreds of minutes of offensive ads on TV - from The Good Guys to the local chikcen shop - and you pick something with a shelf life of 20 seconds. I have a solution. DON'T WATCH FUCKING CRAP TEE VEE! You can quite ably get by with just ABC and SBS, so move on, we don't care.

Rant 2 - 'Prison Ships Are Cool...not'
The Australian Government has proved yet again that they cannot for the life of them remember the cultural and historical ties to the motherland, England. The new plan to tackle our current illegal immigrant 'crisis' (I use the term loosely), is to have a massive prison ship patrol our off shore near the top of the country and store 'illegals' without ever needing to return to the mainland for up to a month (Prison Hulks in classical Britain anyone?!). Not only that, the ships will have MACHINE GUNS! How cool?

Wait. What the hell do we need machine guns for? Most of the people who make the death-defying trip across the ocean to try and reach our shores are weak and emancipated enough as it is, and now you try and tell me we need MACHINE GUNS on these boats?!

The world's gone nuts!

/end rant.

Carry on.

We Aren't Happy

2006-08-01T11:56:00.000+10:00

We aren't a bunch of happy chappys.

Who's we?

Us. People. The world in general.

Why aren't we happy is the real question. We have more iPods and mobile phones now than at any time previous in our history. We have internet access at the click of a button, providing us with all sorts of joys. We can cure most diseases. Our governments are largely nice to us.

And yet, starvation/persecution/suffering is as bad now as ever before. A kid living in poverty dies every three seconds. Personal debt is massive. A minority of the world population has a monopoly of the majority of the world's wealth. We have a greater incidence (and understanding) of depression and related illnesses.

Maybe thats what prompted the Brits to do this.

Some 2,000 pupils at English state schools are to have special classes in happiness under a pilot scheme aimed at cutting depression, self-harm and anti-social behaviour.

Happiness classes? But what about emos? Wouldn't this just be persecuting one 'sub-culture' of kids in favor of another? Discrimination at work again! There is no escaping it! Seriously though, ALL kids get depressed at some stage. It's called puberty. Since when did we have to bandage all our children up in bubblewrap to PROTECT them from themsleves and world at large. We CREATED the world at large as we are living in it (let's not get into creationist v religious debates here now shall we...) so why all of a sudden can't your little spawn cope? You too were probably once goth/punk/skinhead etc going through exactly the same things.

But there might be another way around it...how about BOTTLED HAPPINESS?!

Smiley - the world's first anti-depressant scent - has gone on sale. The unisex gragrance is on the shelve at upmarket UK cahin Selfridges, costing from $60 to $150. Swiss manufacturers Firmenich Laboratories say it contains micro-nutrients which have food altering benefits...

Ahhh. See, I think I'm picking up a theme here. The BRITS are the most unhappy people in the world. Could be the food...or maybe the fact their football team sucks more than a room full of Godfrey vacum cleaners...

Why We Like People

2006-07-31T14:10:00.000+10:00

I think people like people.

Seriously.

Deep down, people don't want to kill people. (Oh I can see what you are thinking - "another tree hugging hippie going off to save all the pretty people and Dave The Hat, please explain to me then why Hezbollah continues to fire rockets at Israeli's". Wait. Read on. And THEN you may flame me in the comments and I will reserve the right to ignore you. Because I like people.)

I mean, porn is incredibly popular, and that's just watching people at their most basic.

Then there's reality tee vee. Big Brother remains one of the most watched programs in a million and one different nations around the world. And that's just a number of 20-somethings trying to avert boredom by scratching themselves in dirty little places and dreaming up even wilder ways to remain part of public consumption.

We just like people. Millions can't be wrong. And if we didn't like people, why is murder, assault, rape illegal?

Yes, it's an idealistic thought. A utopian one even. And of course, I am completely wrong. Not everyone likes people.

But my rant has been brought on by another bout of reality TV gold from Channel 10.

Yasmin's Getting Married.

I don't mind - remember, I like people - but I don't think they've gone far enough.

Surely we can have an Adults Only series on Pay TV such as 'Yasmin's Getting Fucked'. Then there's the hilarious yet touching medical series 'Yasmin's Getting Twins'. And of course, we could follow it all up with the courtroom drama of 'Yasmin's Getting Screwed', quickly followed by the Rove special edition of 'Yasmin's Getting Divorced'. We could even revisit the successful concept in 10 years (or should that be 'tears') time, with 'Yasmin's Getting Made-Over.'

Remember this is nothing against Yasmin. She looks lovely, and I am sure she is the nicest person in the world. Remember: I just like people. And I think other people who like people will like these ideas too...

It's the ultimate feel-good hit of Spring! There will be no limits to how much we will grow to like the people in this show (until the third episode, where one of the judges will exposed for being a hypocritical bore)!

So if you like people, get behind this show and make its ratings soar!

Bi-Pol-Nerd

2006-07-31T13:46:00.000+10:00

I have multiple web personalities.

It's been an evolution of sorts. A sharp relisation, like that first intake of breath when you walk into a club packed with sweaty, smoking strangers.

I really don't have the time to manage one online outpouring of...well...stuff. I mean, some people around the world dont have running water, let alone the Internet. But now I've decided to look at spending 20 minutes a day to keep three on the go.

Yes, three. Because as De La Soul said, "Three Is The Magic Number".

(Three, coincidently, is the favourite number of T which makes it all the more important.)

So, please refer to the personality realignment as follows.

For all things creative, mindless, quick and easy, please now refer to Haiku With Dave @ http://haikuwithdave.blogspot.com. Haiku's are fun, and they can reflect life. Whether they do or not, is another matter.

For all things rantage, issue related and argumentative/controversial/debatable, please refer to this website. The Hat side of my personality will be pleased to service your needs with musings just right here. How easy is that?

For those who want to keep in touch with "me" i.e the David part of my brain, please now turn your eyes to "SIGN OF THE COW" @ http://2bithero.livejournal.com It's me, damnit. And I Like Me.

That is all. You may carry on.

Clobber Young Liberals Day

2006-07-19T14:42:00.000+10:00

[language warning alert ahead for those with kiddies who are easily influenced by blogs]

I would like to put forward a motion I affectionately refer to the Malcom Fraser Directive 2006. Namely, any Young Liberal that spurts forth some bit of froth and bubble that could be classified as a) racist, b) sexist or c) homophobic be clobbered with a well placed mit to the jaw or other suitable targeted blow.

Such blows should be dished out on the opening day of the National Union of Students Conference, wherever it is being held.

Not convinced this is an appropriate course of action just on the face of it? Why not sample a bit of last nights Lateline Program.

Click here for the broadband video or here for the dialup version. (Videos are Windows Media).

I pride myself on being a tolerant person. I don't care who has sex with who. I don't think its an issue that there are other cultures accessible for people in Australia. I think everyone is pretty much equal regardless of their race, gender or creed. I think there are plenty of people in this country from non-European backgrounds that have provided more - and will continue to do much much more - for the Australian society than what the bogans in the video will ever do. I say non-European because guess what - all the idiots in that video were as white as a surrender flag. Anyway, it's all arbitary! Why do YOU have the right to judge on people of other cultures. You've never experienced it first hand, so anything you bring up is just redundant and hot air. Yet...for some reason...your bluster angers me.

And for some reason, I find I am not tolerant of Young Liberals, or more specifically, the Right Wing Hacks. I respect they are allowed to have their own views, and can express those more or less the way they seem fit. So allow me to express mine.

Fuck You.

Fuck you for making all young uni students with Anglo Saxon heritage look like a bunch of immature, pig headed, backwards thinking brats.

Fuck you for making student unions look like they are radical players in the modern political scene that are seeking to upset the natural balance in life. (for the record, the union is a SERVICE PROVIDER. Can you tell me what service YOU were providing for the rest of us at the conference? Even your own 'leader' disowned you in his piss weak excuse for a cover up press release...)

Fuck you for making me cringe in my chair.

Fuck you for not thinking before you speak.

Fuck you for not recognising your intolerance is the reason why most people hate you.

Fuck you for thinking this behaviour is what makes good politics.

Please. You quite clearly suck at life. Please go away.

And now for something completely different. A hilarious dick joke (click to enlarge...hahahahaha):

Sure, that probably wasn't very tolerant of me. But the Young Liberals Made Me Do It. Seriously.

The Friday Rant: New Media Laws

2006-07-14T15:18:00.000+10:00

Its come to my attention that our Federal Communications Minister Helen Coonan looks something akin to an escaped, animated figure from Madam Tausauds. This is not comforting.

Our new media ownership and broadcasting laws were unveiled by said-puppet yesterday. Interesting lot of things it was too. In a nutshell, this is what media junkies can expect from as early as next year (you can read the full plan on her website here):

- Digital TV take up deadline now extended to 2010-12 instead of 2008
- Two reserved digital channels for new digital services such as mobile television or new in-home services;
- Permit commercial free-to-air television stations to broadcast one standard definition multichannel from 2009, and to allow full multichannelling no later than the time of digital switchover;
-Remove the “genre” restrictions on the types of programming which can be shown on ABC and SBS multichannels;
- Reform the anti-siphoning scheme by introducing a “use it or lose it” system for sporting events on the list to commence on 1 January 2007;
- Relax the current restrictions on cross-media ownership subject to safeguards that will ensure no fewer than five independent “voices” remain in metropolitan markets and four in regional markets, upon Proclamation on a date to be determined in 2007

Our minister quite proudly proclaimed that these key changes could give us, the teevee loving public of Australia, up to 30 new channels to choose from.

Lets think about that. 30 Channels.

I don't think there is good enough programming on the five free to air channels we have now. And you want to bombard us with this shit across 30 of the fuckers? Hell no! More does not necessarily mean less in this case, though a convincing argument could be heard that it does if you are talking about quality. There is one faint glimmer of hope - that Big Brother will get its OWN dedicated channel and stop snorting up every other free second of programming across all networks like Kate Moss and Pete Dougherty on a coke binge. And come on - I know you idolise the UK/US way of managing teevee but we just DONT HAVE THE POPULATION.

The extension of the digital tv deadline isn't really a surprise. We're a sceptical lot down here in Oz, and I wouldn't be surprised if even by that deadline we only have about 50% uptake or something silly.

Lifting the current genre restrictions on ABC2 etc is probably a good move. As much as the cool music docos and live performances have been, it'll be good to get our grubby mits on even more diverse presentation.

The anti-siphoning bit is something I'm still trying to make sense of. I know, I know, the majority of our bogan population would shrivel and die without adequate access to sport. But taking it OFF free to air just because its not used? On one hand, we have an agreement which could, feasibly, see a steep rise in the number of imported programs slotting straight into our programming. And it will happen - free trade agreement with the US of A or even just the big companies being bought up and then spewing forth whatever they can lay their hands on. On the other hand it might force the channels to screen it - no one wants to lose sport, right? Might not have a choice in the end. If you pitted one of the free-to-air channels against a Foxtel or something in a bidding war...who do you think will win? Yep. Didn't think it would be Sir Eddie or Channel 9. Expect cherry picking of sport to happen.

The removal of the cross media ownership laws are probably the biggest 'aspect' of these reforms. I don't get it - the government wants to open up the country to foreign media investment and reap big bucks, but then it slaps down this "5 in the city, 4 in the country" rule. What the...? Look, I might not like the idea, but if you're going to have an idea at least do it properly and don't be half assed about it. "This will allow strong competition and ensure there is no monopoly". Hang on...couldn't a monopoly provide you with oodles of cash if it comes with the right company?

Watch this space. Or more importantly, that little black box in the corner of your lounge room.

On other topic, let's look at those who are surrounded by sand. I don't intend to dwell too much on events in the Middle East, suffice to say it's pretty much gone balls up - again - for the 'nth' time in a couple of years. But doesn't it just remind you a little of that famous skit from South Park with Stan's Uncle Jimbo doing the whole hunting thing?!

"THEY'RE COMING RIGHT FOR US!"

or

"THIN OUT THEIR NUMBERS!"

Just a little bit similar. Sick inspiration.

Musings For A Post World Cup Final

2006-07-10T13:19:00.000+10:00

So the country of my grandparents birth won the World Cup of "futbol" - as Les Murray would put it - earlier this morning, Melbourne time.

(The grandparents on my mothers side. On my fathers side, they ame from England, and there as no way I was going to support THEM now was there.)

Yet it didn't ring true. For years I've followed Italy in the world game not just because of the cultural link, but also because Australia just wasn't good enough. And then this morning, a morning that made many second generation Italian-Australians go "Hoorah! But that could have been us..."

Of course it WOULDN'T of been. We weren't going to beat Germany (probably) even if we did make it past Ukraine (possibly). Still, it's a teeny, weeny, little bit frustrating. Don't get me wrong, I reverted immediately (almost) to Italy's side after Australia dropped out. But it just wasn't the same.

Australian's are a pretty patriotic bunch. Maybe not as much as the US or Venezuela - both were recently listed as the number one and two "most patriotic" nations in the world - but still, pretty proud of our sun burnt country. Not everyone is though (that is, proud of their country). A group of dedicated young geeks at 'Information Builders' even ranked teams according to how many people didn't sing their national anthem at Germany 2006. At least we finished ahead of the US...

Naturalised Argentine winger Mauro Germain Camoranesi even sparked a minor riot back in Italy when asked why he didn't sing the Italian anthem. "I don't even sing the anthem of my own country" was his reply. Diplomatic.

Talking of singing, the fat lady sings. Finally. Does that mean its all over?

Another WC Themed Post

2006-06-30T07:49:00.000+10:00

We all know the pages and pages of stats that come out of every major sporting tournament. But here's one that really matters for the World Cup. Fake Injuries? Not Singing The National Anthem? Bullying The Referee? Dives? Yep, they're all here.

On something a little more serious, Ronaldo now has the record for most goals scored in World Cup history. You can watch the video of all 15 of his goals here.

This weekend it's Coldplay, Picasso and World Cup Quarter Finals. By right I should be sleeping...

The Darker Side Of Media

2006-06-29T13:39:00.000+10:00

Are YOU obsessed with amputation? Then Doctor Phil wants to hear from you! Don't hesitate - share your story today!

Do you or someone you know suffer from a constant desire to have a limb amputated? Have you always dreamed of having your legs, arms, or hands amputated?

Don't think Dr. Phil is discriminating against those wanna-be cripples. There are plenty of topics where you could be suited!

Does Your Husband Want a 1950's Wife?
Are you a Cougar?
Repulsed By Ugly or Fat People?
Show Dr. Phil Your Home Cam Tapes!

Show him your tapes? WHAT THE?!?! Dude! There's porn on the internet everywhere, don't inflict crappy, One Night In Paris-esque footage onto us because there's nothing else to watch on TeeVee. For the love of...

In other news, tell me you if you can read this story without thinking of interesting, sexy-anime related thoughts.

The group of girls from the netball association decided to visit Jade and marvelled at his high self-esteem and morale as Jade laughed and joked with the nine girls who helped him eat and drink

No, didn't think so. Mmmm. Netballers.

The World Cup Goes On...

2006-06-21T09:31:00.000+10:00

...and no, I haven't lost any enthusiasm for the competition. If anything, I am even more keen. However, my updates have lagged behind due to lack of sleep and the discovery of someone who blogs about it much better than I do. Go there. It's fun, informative and even has video...ooo err.

In other exciting news, I just had the utmost pleasure of seeing Kerrie-Anne getting pelted with soccer balls as she stood as a goal keeper against our junior World Cup team. She even did it in high heels. Fair to say, Kalac and Schwarzer et al need not feel worried.

Oh wait. Its back on again. Yep, the show is still shit.

The Hat's World Cup Diary: Day 7 (and weekend preview!)

2006-06-16T07:42:00.000+10:00

As you may or may not know, I have no internet at home in Bendi-go-go, so I have done my best, dear reader, to provide the ULTIMATE weekend preview.

Current number of games seen: 9
Current number of minutes Wayne Rooney's foot has survived: 32
Terrorist supporter of the day: Abu Bakar Bashir. It could just be a coincidence BUT...the man WAS wearing a red and white checked scarf when he was released from prison, though I don't know whether Croatia really want to be associated with him...
Uber-cool footballing name of the day: Another in the long list of commentator's nightmares, we have Ahn Jung-hwan of South Korea. Say that three times fast as one of the Asian team's better players is baring down on goal. And he will you know - the boy can play a bit. (After repeated practising, I have learnt you have to open your mouth wide and talk like you have a plum in your mouth. It's ARN-JUNG-WARN for the record.
Latest games seen:

SWE 1 PAR 0

"It's incredibly Hat-tacular!":
- Ecuador all set for the last 16...who said they only got to Germany because their home ground is like a million miles above sea level?!
- England made the second round too...wait, was that a jaw breaking yawn I just heard?
- Wow. How impotent were Sweden today?! So long as they keep bringing in fans like this we don't care!
- The armchair coaches are out in force! How many people came out after the Australia v Japan game and said "I agree with Hiddink's subs. The man's a genius." I'm sorry...you AGREE? What the?!
- Sad news if you wind up being one of Saudi Arabia's better players this week, as the team is boycotting the man of the match awards. Why? It's all about beer of course!

"What to talk through your Hat about this weekend...":
- Worst keeper in the World Cup = Ukraine?
- Australia = a chance of a point against Brazil?
- Australia = destined for many a sick day Monday morning
- USA = guaranteed flop v Italy?
- Mmm. More Group C goodness. Not just a group of death, but a group of DOOM!
- Expect an unheard of nation to play with more cohesiveness and flair (Ghana/Iran/Angola) than one of the established teams (oh, say, England?!)
- France proving that nothing is as good as a bit of team tension and anger.

Weekend Matches:
ARG v SCG
HOL v IVO
MEX v ANG
POR v IRA
ITA v USA
CZE v GHA
JAP v CRO
BRA v AUS
FRA v KOR

The Hat's World Cup Diary: Day 6

2006-06-15T07:47:00.000+10:00

Editors note: Today I have added links! Hoo-rah!

Current number of games seen: 8
Current number of teams less boring than England: 11 and counting
Number of teams with yellow tops: 6
(Most striking yellow top = Ukraine. It looks like a blue-clawed monster has latched onto the back of the players and is trying to rip their front chest open. Totally awesome.)
Uber-cool footballing name of the day: We're going German today to celebrate the host nation's less than convincing game against Poland. And the spotlight shines on...Bastian Schweinsteiger! No, we don't know how to pronounce it either.
Latest games seen:

GER 1 POL 0
SPA 4 UKR 0

"Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah HATMAN!":
- Guess what kids...Spain might not suck this year!
- Tunisia and Saudi Arabia = more entertaining than France!
- Germany the first to qualify for the final 16?!
- Naturalised Brazilians (and other South American players)continue to rock the World Cup for teams OTHER than Brazil. Good on you for realising you will never play for the Selaco!
-Wayne Rooney may play against powerhouse team Trinidad and Tobago!

"Time for tea and scrumpHATS if...":
- England decide against all medical advice that Rooney can and should play against some tiny Central American island nation.
- Sweden take their back room brawls out onto the park.
- Italy can go a week without using hair products
- Germany and Poland kiss and make up (yeah, like that will ever happen...)

The Hat's World Cup Diary: Day 5

2006-06-14T08:35:00.000+10:00

Current number of games seen: 6
Current number of teams less boring than England: at least 9
Number of goals scored: 31
Uber-cool footballing name of the day: Brazil's ninja in the midfield, Kaka. Did you know that caca is a colloquial term in Italy for poo? For so long as a kid, that's what I was taught to call it...
Latest games seen:

BRA 1 CRO 0

"Holy Hat stands, Batman!":
- Brazil are super slugish!
- Ronaldo IS a fatty fatty boom ba!
- Croatia have a shirt that reminds people of a picnic blanket!
- Togo have the coolest goal celebration dance this tournament!
- South Korea won in Europe for once!
- Switzerland played better than arrogant France!
- Australia now holds the record for second most number of goals by substitutes!

"I'll douse my Hat in sauce and eat it if...":
- The French fail to score a goal...surely it won't happen two World Cups running...
- Brazil keep telling Australia that they play like New Zealand
- Australia gets a national holiday after holding Brazil to a draw
- Togo's coach quits again before their next game, only to re-sign hours before kick off
- The American's stop crying
- I don't get to go to Fed Square and watch at least one game (join me Bjornar?!)

The Hat's World Cup Diary: Day 4

2006-06-13T07:29:00.000+10:00

Current number of games seen: 5
Current number of teams less boring than England: 6
Hours of sleep (potentially) lost: 6
Uber-cool footballing name of the day: Ghana's very on Danish based Razak Pimpong! Terrible player, great name.
Latest games seen:

ITA 2 GHA 0
AUS 3 JPN 1
MEX 3 IRN 1
HOL 1 SCG 0
ENG 1 PAR 0

"Glory, glory golden Hat stands":
- Italy didn't start diving until the 75th minute!
- Italy actually played attacking football!
- The Egyptian referee admitted he made a mistake!
- Ghana and Ivory Coast live up to the hype (kinda)!
- Socceroos win!
- Guus Hiddink rugby scrums the officials!
- Timmy Cahill carves up!
- Arsene knows: new Gunners midfielder Rosicky scores 2!
- The Stars and Stripes were put in their place!
- Togo may, or may not, have a coach after all!
- Ned Zelic serves up more off the cuff, relaxed special comments!

"I'll eat My Hat if..."
- Luke Wilkshire starts against Brazil
- THAT Egyptian referee ever gets a stadium named after him
- Ghana don't get a point off the Czech's or Yanks
- Once, just once, the referees aren't told by FIFA to book everything that moves
- Owen Hargraves doesn't get booed. Poor fella, just 'cos he plays in Germany...
- Mellberg and Ljunberg kiss and make up.
- Roy Keane does a dramatic turn around and calls off retirement to play for Latvia.

The Hat's World Cup View: Prelude

2006-06-09T11:39:00.000+10:00

Arguably the greatest Central American sportsname ever now has his chance to shine.

First choice Mexico keeper Oswaldo Sanchez is set to go home for at least the first game after his father died of a heart attack. That leaves two back up keepers vying for the fist choice squad, one of them named....JESUS CORONA!

Fantastic! Religion, a national alcochol and football...all rolled into one! Go you good thing go! In other news injury is dominating talk ahead of kick off: Cisse broke his leg (boo hoo France), Ballack will miss Germany's first game, cauliflower-ears Rooney may or may not play in the group stage (depending on who wins the verbal joust - Sven or Sir Fergie), Italy has an injury list as long as Totti's strands of hair, and even Mark Viduka is feeling the pinch.

Oh yes, it's that time of year again.

I actually bought myself the OFFICIAL world cup cereal the other day. I was promised exciting balls of vanilla and wheat, that magically turned into balls with grooves when I added milk. (Also, according to the serving suggestion, I should have been eating it with goal keepers gloves on). What I got were bullets of tasteless paff that left an interesting metallic like residue on the bottom of the bowl. I wonder if that's a bad thing...

Worship The Pan

2006-06-08T11:55:00.000+10:00

Maybe I'm in the mood for some holy steak...

http://www.jesuspan.com/

In other news, my new phone of only three weeks or so had a nasty encounter today and I think it is fucked. Caps off a top week and just what I needed.

One to watch out for...

2006-06-06T13:13:00.000+10:00

Jack Black is...NACHO LIBRE!
Now THIS I gotta see. Forget Spiderman 17, Shrek 24 (where Mike Myers has to find a humerous joke in under 24 hours or face the grisly death of Donkey) or X Men 6. THIS looks like a real movie.

Nacho (Jack Black) is a man without skills. After growing up in a Mexican monastery, he is now a grown man and the monastery’s cook, but doesn’t seem to fit in. Nacho cares deeply for the orphans he feeds, but his food is terrible – mostly, if you ask him, a result of his terrible ingredients. He realizes he must hatch a plan to make money to buy better food for “the young orphans, who have nothing” (…and if in doing so Nacho can impress the lovely Sister Encarnación, that would be a big plus).

When Nacho is struck by the idea to earn money as a Lucha Libre wrestler, he finds that he has a natural, raw talent for wrestling. As he teams with his rail-thin, unconventional partner, Esqueleto (the Skeleton), Nacho feels for the first time in his life that he has something to fight for and a place where he belongs.

As Lucha is strictly forbidden by the church elders at the monastery, Nacho is forced to lead a double life. Disguised by a sky blue mask, Nacho conceals his true identity as he takes on Mexico’s most famous wrestlers and takes on a hilarious quest to make life a little sweeter at the orphanage.

In other news, for those of you wanting to read a lovely example of British tabloid journalism, I can recommend today's front page of the The Sun.

I Usually Don't Discriminate, But...

2006-06-05T13:27:00.000+10:00

...is there a group that polarises people as much as emo's? I think not. Hilarious, no?!

In other news, Australia did well to draw with the Orange Men (aka Holland) in a pre-World Cup 'friendly'. From Friday night (Melbourne time), the beautiful game will kick off a month long orgy of colour, style, goals and quality. Expect me not to post too much - I'll be having a serious relationship with my television, doubly so given my Auntie doesn't have a VCR...

BUT! Just one little rant. It's about those overrated Samba kings, Brazil. It would appear Brazil have very little idea about WHO exactly we are. First it was Ronaldo a month or so ago...

"...I don't know anyone who plays for Australia, so they can't be that good"

And then last night, Brazil play New Zealand. Yes, land of snow, sheep and Peter Jackson. A powerhouse in world soccer? Hell no. I mean, they're not even the best team in Oceania now Australia has left - that honour falls to the Solomon Islands. But SOME-FRIGGIN'-HOW, Brazil seem to think we ARE THE SAME TEAM AS THEM!!! First the coach...

"...This team is very similar to Australia, even though they don't have the same quality of players. They mark very hard, so I think it was worth it."

...then the left back...

"...I think it was a good victory. It was a good test. Australia [Brazil's second opponents in Group F] play like this - defensively - and if we keep our concentration we shouldn't have any problems."

Oh ok. I get it. We're similar because WE'RE NEXT TO EACH OTHER GEOGRAPHICALLY! Right. Makes perfect sense from a soccer veiw point don't it?! Brazil are next to French Guinea, so obviously THEY ARE THE SAME TOO! Grrrr!

And to address point number two: that we're defensive. We used to be VERY defensive, and look where that got us - an absolute hammering at the Confederations Cup last year. Since then we've got a new coach (one of the best in the world mind you), new tactics, a re-invigorated playing group...the list goes on. So defensive? Erm, not really. Thanks for playing. And now, a few more things to ponder:

- Adriano scored three goals for the entire SEASON last year in Italy playing for Inter. In form? I think not.
- Ronaldo; on track to win the Whinging Pom/Biggest Set Of Fat Rolls Award?!
- Ronaldinho; tired and lacking in inspiration.
- And they have who on the bench exactly?
- Yes, I believe they will make the final again.

Apologies for the rant. Got pretty worked up about this match report.

GO SOCCEROOS!

Sex, The Ultimate Incentive

2006-05-31T12:15:00.000+10:00

Ukrainian soccer players "...have been promised quality time with their wives if they reach the World Cup semi-finals." (Original story here).

Woo hoo indeed.

"Asked if he would allow his players to have sex with their wives and girlfriends during the month-long tournament, Ukraine coach Oleg Blokhin said: "I would personally send my players to see their wives if we reach the (World Cup) semis...Those who don't feel like it, I'll just drag to their wives. Take my word for it," Blokhin told Russian daily Sport-Express.

This coach of theirs sounds like a pretty imposing sort of fella. And the scary thing is, they have a real chance of making it past the first round at least, with a relatively weak group (featuring perennial under-achievers Spain, Tunisia and Saudi Arabia) as well as one of the best forwards in the world, Schevchenko.

GO YOU GOOD THING GO! DO IT FOR THE SEX!

In other news, I released my debut album today. I will be taking money orders through PayPal for advanced releases:

How to be a moist towelette...

2006-05-29T13:49:00.000+10:00

Step 1: Play a sport. Try and pick one that's rough and quite manly. Like table tennis.

Step 2: Become good at this sport to a point where you are in the national team. Receive fame and fortune.

Step 3: Burst into a tears at a public bar after your team's captain hits you in the head with a lady's hand bag. Oh, and then get thrown out by a lady bouncer.

Classic! So, the founding nomination for the First Annual Hat Musings Moist Towlette Award for most spectacular whinge in public goes to the Kiwi rugby player who can't stand the pain...

In other news, the Danes are dubbing "OUR" Princess Mary the Nordic Imedla Marcos after an audito into royal spending showed Mary and Crown Prince Frederick spent $2,500 a day on clothes, shoes and furniture.

Look why not?! I know I couldn't get by without a couple of grand a day on furniture. Sometimes, when I want hot Egyptian women to feed me peeled grapes, I feel like doing it on a purple couch. Sometimes I want it on a blue couch. So why should I be restricted to just one colour?

Hey, its just a fat kid!

2006-05-27T13:22:00.000+10:00

Exciting news for obese people everywhere: you now have your own ambulances!

(Taken from the Herald Sun @ http://www.heraldsun.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5478,19268679%255E661,00.html)

NEW ambulances for fat patients will be built under a $3 million funding package to be unveiled in next week's state Budget.

The reinforced ambulances will be able to transport patients weighing up to 350kg.
The ambulances will include specialist equipment such as heavy-duty wheelchairs, stretchers and lifters.

Five new ambulances will be built as a direct reaction to Australia's obesity epidemic.

Treasurer John Brumby will announce the funding on Tuesday when he delivers the Bracks Government's sixth Budget.

Of the $3 million, half will be used to fit out Victoria's rural and metropolitan ambulance fleet with bariatric, or obesity, equipment.

The new funding comes as Victoria's obesity crisis worsens, with rising numbers of "morbidly obese" people admitted to hospital.

The epidemic is reportedly taking its toll on paramedics, who face occupational health and safety risks in lifting obese patients.

The $3 million ambulance funding aims to protect paramedics as well as ensuring ambulances can cater for obese patients.

The new obesity ambulances are expected to be on Victorian roads in February next year.

The ambulance package is part of its $25 million anti-obesity funding boost expected to be announced in the budget.

Last week the Herald Sun revealed that about $10 million of the funding would be funnelled into school programs promoting healthy eating, exercise and positive body image.

Schools will also be able to apply for grants of more than $50,000 to set up vegetable gardens and grants of up to $6000 to encourage physical activity and nutrition.

State Government statistics show almost half of all Victorian adults are overweight or obese.

Childhood obesity is particularly worrying for parents and doctors, with children as young as four battling weight problems.

Hospitals are spending thousands of dollars on the installation of bariatric equipment that can care for patients weighing up to 500kg.

Last year the Royal Melbourne Hospital opened a purpose-built room with extra-wide doorways and bathroom, reinforced toilet, arm rails and beds to hold patients from 350kg to 500kg.

Time Wasting For Hump Day

2006-05-24T09:03:00.000+10:00

Is this the greatest game ever?

http://www.americandadvsfamilyguy.com/

But then, someone goes and does this...

http://www.columbinegame.com/

The ying and yang of gaming, in all its checkered glory.

The Great Hat Eurovision Review!

2006-05-22T10:27:00.000+10:00

And the winner is...FINLAND!

Yes, Finnish hard rock band Lordi, in the true tradition of KISS, have surprised everyone (including themselves) and won the premier world event for the celebration of all things Euro-Trash: EUROVISION 2006.

Mr Lordi, lead singer and man-with-an-axe, said:

"We won the contest, looking like this...It just goes to show that Europe is not such a bad place."

Mr Lordi also touched on a subject dear to Freud's heart: Fathers.

"...We’re not Satanists or devil worshippers...This is entertainment. The masks are like our calling card and we’ll never perform without them. It would be like Santa Claus handing a child his gifts and Christmas time and then pulling off his beard and saying, ‘By the way, I’m your father…’"

I for one am pleased that theatrics, costumes, make up and atrocious singing were duly celebrated this year...no...wait...that happens every year.

So setting aside Terry Wogan's hilarious commentary, the lame hosts and the fact that voting is a massive conspiracy, here is my executive review of all things Eurovision Greece 2006.

The So-Bad-It-Was-Good...
- Finland (hoorah for stage-rock theatrics)
- Spain (not in tune, but nice staging)
- Romania
- Bosnia Herzogovina
- Lithuania (how can you NOT like a song which is "we are the winners..."?!)
- Andre the Armenian (ooo...I like what you did with that ribbon...)

The In-Offensive...
- Israel (white is the new black)
- Switzerland (with token Justin Timberlake look-a-like...who did nothing...)
- Norway (nice try with the fiddles, and hot blondes always go down well)
- Ukraine (possibly twice as hot as Norway...sorry Bjornar)
- Ireland (another boring Irish ballad)
- Sweden (nice dres....)
- Turkey (nice tatts....)
- Latvia (a good try on the acapella)

The Downright Awful...
- Moldova (Just awful...What's the go with the Wyclef wannabe?)
- UK (School girls are fantastic..but the rapper is seriously wack)
- Malta (tacky and oh so bad)
- FYR Macedonia
- Greece (the faux-gothic outfit didnt help)
- Croatia (hmmmm....)

And now, for the glitz and glam!
Top: The abysmally bad British entry, though +1 for hot school girls.
Bottom Left: Moldova...if possible, even worse than England.
Bottom Right: Ukraine is known for hot women and bad boots.

Fair Effort

2006-05-19T14:16:00.000+10:00

Not content with being known for walls, hardcore rock music, Oktoberfest, evil moustaches and weird food, the Germans can add "inventive thieves" to the list.

German police are asking for help in tracking down the thieves who stole an entire roller coaster. The 18-tonne big dipper was stolen from a truck that had stopped at a car park in Bischofsheim (loose German translation "Lost Amusement Rides") on its way to a nearby fair.

The local police chief said:

"...The last thing we want is for amateurs to try putting it together."

I think there should be a Thievery Hall of Fame - kinda like the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame, except more creative. Remember the guys who were knicking electric power poles in America? I think they just got beaten.

In other exciting news, the ARIA charts no longer mean sweet F A. [Some would say they didn't mean anything to start with, but I digress...] HMV, Sanity and Virgin music stores have informed our peak industry body that they no longer intend to submit their weekly sales figures, instead doing their own chart. Fantastic. Another chart featuring another lot of washed up Australian Idol failures bought by another lot of pre-teen school girls flushed with cash after doing a weeks worth of washing up. You know what I want? I want the Tooth Fairy/Father Christmas/Easter Bunny to bring each child a copy of The Clash...or Rammestein...or the SEX PISTOLS! Yes, lets bring the antidote to the people...

It's a bonza idea, maaaattteeee....

2006-05-16T10:08:00.000+10:00

Oh this is good. Very very good. Microsoft announced yesterday its Australian subsidiary was putting forward a list of 'Aussie' words and slang to be included in then next edition of Microsoft Office.

Crikey.

While Bradman and Phar Lap made the list, BOONY DIDN'T! I think is a gross miscarriage of justice. Let's start the angry email campaign...now! On the upside, BOGAN could soon make it. As could SHELIA and UTE. But they missed the opportunity to include DRONGO. Somehow, I get this impression that Microsoft HQ are under the belief we are ALL like Steve Irwin, just walkin around town in khakis, yelling at wildlife and getting excited about stuff.

I think I'm ashamed.

You can go and vote for your top 5 words here.

There is an alternative than listening to Aussie-ocker PCs...yes, it is JOINING A TRIBE IN FIJI! For a few hundred dollars, you too can become a certified tribe member with all the pros...you can even apply to be chief.

Some people really do have too much time on their hands...

I Keeps It REAL!

2006-05-15T14:56:00.000+10:00

For all teh haters out there who think that Snoop has lost his presence/his gangsta image, I have news for you:

...Last month Snoop (34), AKA Calvin Broadus, and five other men were denied entry to a British Airways first-class lounge...

Snoop obviously had a very big choice to make; leave with dignity intact or KEEP IT REAL:

...Snoop Dogg was given a police caution for using "threatening words and behaviour"...

Snoop has been banned from flying British Airways over the fracas.

Snoop's real-o-meter was obviously sky high (har har har)...

Yes, it is a real story. (It goes on to say that a "mini-riot" ensued and seven officers were left with minor injuries and one suffered a fractured hand.) In all honesty, Snoop could kick my ass with a piece of bellybutton lint, but it still makes me smile; you know, the image of a blinged out rapper yelling at Airport Security "I'll be getting into you mini bar, fo' SHIZZLE!"

Improv Everywhere

2006-05-09T13:36:00.000+10:00

I'd be keen to do something like this. Let me know if you want to, and we will organise a weekend soujourn somewhere.

SMUT!

2006-05-08T07:48:00.000+10:00

Everyone's favourite British smut report, The News Of The World (if by news you actually mean 'pants'...) has a titilating - and I emphasise the first three letters - slideshow and article about more Warney antics. Oh dear...

And yes, John Wood won a logie. No I didn't watch it, but I'm sure he deserved it quite a substantial bit more than, well, the entire casts of Neighbours and Home and Away combined. Apparently Joan Rivers was trashed as well...and people wonder why the Logies are not held in high esteem...

Moon Cheese!

2006-05-04T10:37:00.000+10:00

I think I might change jobs. Google needs me. So if you don't hear from me in a while, I'm out helping store data on the moon.

Perfect Science Love

2006-05-03T14:48:00.000+10:00

Google loves it's AdSense software, and well they should. It's an ingenious idea: display text ads on the right hand side of the page that are directly linked to the topic in discussion (Gmail/Blogger) or searched for (Gooogle). But this freaked me out:

Hmmm.

I just finished reading a Rolling Stone article on Scientology. Put simply (in my humble opinion) if you need Tom Cruise to spruik your shit (kinda like a white boy version of Pimp My Ride), you're in trouble. Look, it's not cool to hate on people's 'religions' (the term can be loosely used these days I know)...but if these guys can make it all legit, why not Jedis? COME ON!

What Are They Listening To?

2006-05-03T13:13:00.000+10:00

This story is front page news on The Age.com.

So my question is: WHAT are they listening too? I'm pretty sure the theme music from 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea is not the there. Maybe "The Roof Is On Fire"? Or are they heavy into 'underground' rap (ha ha)...maybe a bit of Talib Kweli?

If nothing else, this story lets me post the coolest speaker set-up for ipods...EVER...in the history of speakers for ipods:

Lurching from topic to topic...

2006-05-01T09:25:00.000+10:00

They came, they saw, they lurched.

About 100 undead lurched from the Sydney Town Hall to the Opera House today as part of the city's inaugural Zombie Lurch.

How fantastic. I have not laughed this hard in a while...Finally, a non-for-profit organisation worth giving money too (And no, we're not talking about Christians Against Hip Hop...)

Now onto more serious matters; just how long will it take for a movie version of the Tasmanian mining tragedy to turn up? I mean, it only took the Da Vinci Code a couple of years, and they had to travel the world for all sorts of locations. We only need Tassie for a few weeks! Our current discussions centre on Alf from Neighbours repeating his favoured role of a bar manager, with 'that guy' who plays Kim's husband on Kath and Kim as the beleagured mine manager person thing...Sam Neil will of course get a part, and don't be surprised if the Daddo's turn up. (We - The Hat and I - do pass on our sincere thoughts and wishes to the family of the one deceased miner.)

So much for being the bum end of Australia...mine disasters, football sirens, Port Arthur commemorations...Tassie is where it's at!

I round off today's update with news that will warm the heart of Bjornar and his quest to document significant contributions Norwegians have made to the world. Seems they explore. Many years ago a guy by the name of Thor Heyerdahl tried to prove that crazy South Americans on kon-tiki rafts had floated across the ocean from Peru and colonised remote islands. Well, the family is back! Yes, Thor's grandson - who must be a god (hahaha) - is set to repeat the journey, only this time he has GPS. Though as he said: "We'll still have to wait five days for help if something goes seriously wrong."

Oh, and while you're bored and online, help this guy out.

Lock Up Your Daughters...

2006-04-28T22:18:00.000+10:00

...following on from a Johnnie Walker fueled discussion on Christianity with Burley last night, I find a new not-for-profit organisation that will garner some attention..

CHRISTIANS AGAINST HIP HOP!

When Good People Go Nuts

2006-04-27T11:24:00.000+10:00

You may or may not have seen this story.

Lloyd Scott is raising money for lukemia research in England. His angle? Run the London marathon in a full suit of armour and pulling a dragon behind him. You may remember he pulled a similar stunt a couple of marathons ago when he ran dressed in a full deep sea divers kit.

And who says the Poms don't have a sense of humour?! Jolly good show, ol' boy!

Le Weekend

2006-04-24T15:00:00.000+10:00

Time to get personal. Revel in the intimacy, ladies:

- Intimate moments with the iPod and an album by a fellow named Mike Skinner...
- Sniffing clean air at the bling new Southern Cross Station...
- Kicking it with MTV in a secluded little spot we'll call the Enterprise (like the Rex; cosy, but not as toxic)...
- Authentic Japanese dinner with Miso soup and free tea on Bourke Street...
- Laughing myself senseless like a hyena at Lano & Woodley with MTV...
- Celebrity sighting (like whale watching) at Her Majesty's = Geoffrey Rush...
- Book shop browsing and running away from chilly Melbourne wind...
- Fire alarms and quick exits at 3am...
- Drool-inducing browsing at Minotaur, gentle stroll along Southbank, Italian al fresco dining and the Texas Hold'em Melbourne Championships at Crown...
- Spice warehouses a go-go with Tim and BJ...mmm, cavernous darkness...
- Movie critiques and general banter with BJ
- Smoked trout for tea

Here's A Top Idea...

2006-04-21T09:19:00.000+10:00

I have been called a trailblazer, an idiot, a bananna brain and an assorted collection of mammals (not all of them real). But I am the live version of a Whack-A-Mole, just putting my head and ideas out there and quickly ducking down out of your whacky habits...before reappearing to say it again, but different.

And stuff.

So we've all lived through the crazy world of celebrity sex films and hoorah for boobies. But it's passe, it's old, it's trad and it's so Paris 2005. We the docile masses should now turn to unchartered waters.

Unauthorised Birthing Videos.

Think about it: we've just had Gweneth and Chris Martin's second spawn, TomKat has come and gone (with our without a silent birth) and we are now waiting on the edge of our seats for the Brangelina African adventure. There is a HUGE market out there just waiting to be tapped into. I'm going to go out on a limb here and start Celebrities Sans Frontieres, bringing much needed attention to celebs of all sizes who are even more desperate for the limelight. And our first campaign will be Pregnancies Without Borders! Let's start a fund right here, right now, to buy cheap, disposable, old video cameras and get them into the hands of every pregnant celebrity out there! Viva la digital revolverlution!

Hooray for Spam!

2006-04-20T12:10:00.000+10:00

Google is delighted. No seriously, it is! It's told me as much. Like a young child who has won a giant panda bear at a school fete, my GMail account is taking great delight in being Spam-Happy. For example:

Hooray? What the...

Am I the only one here who DOESN'T count Spam as a recipe? Me thinks that Sean-bad would be dismayed if he was offered this at a vegeterian cafe...

BUT! For those who DO want the recipe...

* Exported from MasterCook *

SPAM VEGGIE PITA POCKETS

Recipe By :
Serving Size : 8 Preparation Time :0:00
Categories : Sandwiches

Amount Measure Ingredient -- Preparation Method
-------- ------------ --------------------------------
1 cn SPAM Luncheon Meat, cubed
-(7 oz)
1 c Chopped broccoli
1 c Chopped cauliflower
1 Tomato, chopped
1 Carrot, peeled and chopped
1/3 c Chopped cucumber
1/3 c Finely chopped onion
1/2 c Italian salad dressing
4 Pita pocket breads, halved

STATE FAIR RECIPE Carol Green, Austin, MN.
In bowl, combine SPAM, broccoli, cauliflower, tomato, carrot,
cucumber, and onion. Toss with dressing. Cover and chill several
hours. Spoon salad mixture into pocket bread.

aDVENTURES iN cAPS

2006-04-19T11:51:00.000+10:00

So I'm here in Bendigo and apparently it gets cold at night. Not that I've noticed, though it is freezing during the day. I feel like Mawson every time I finish work, staggering out to the sled (read: silver Camry) and whipping the dogs (read: plugging in the iPod) into action.

I feel a bit like the Streets aka Mike Skinner at the moment too. Le Job: it's the hardest way to make an easy living.

But Le Job is good. The basics I have down, now the fine art of mastering my employment and making myself indispensible. This could take time.

I have also realised something; the brains capacity for so-called 'smart' things (i.e. current affairs and news and general explorations into the space/time continuum) is finite. And it's Rove's fault. I watched Rove for the first time in almost two years last night and giggled myself silly like Pippy Longstocking. And then it hit me...Le Job has SUCKED OUT all the happy little enzymes that make me a superb suburban intellect, so that come home time, I'm happy enough to clutch a novelty pillow and agree with every little fucking thing Oprah has to say.

SAVE ME!

On the upside, the internet is a happy little refuge. Particularly if you have a red paperclip. I'm thinking I'll do the same thing: I have TWO (2) pens to exchange for something cool. They are fluoro green on the outside, the ink is full and black, they contain ergonomic engineering (i.e. they have a grippy bit) and contain nu-age advertising...that is, writing about an electricals company on the body of the pen. Let's get this bidding war a going!

Easter: Yours To Own On DVD

2006-04-14T14:33:00.000+10:00

Film. Teevee. It's everywhere, and aren't we just rapt about that?!

I am. I've been trying to catch up on my movie watching pre-Le Job and as such, finally caught Batman Begins the other day. It has ninjas, which makes it infinitely cooler than Spiderman-Superman-Fantastic 4 combined. And Batman has always been way cooler than those heroes that wore their underpants on the outside. Is it just me or do the shorts for the new Superman have a kind of biblical touch about them?! Mmmm. White America's love of all things vaguely Catholic and God-like continues. Even though an article in the Easter/Weekend edition of The Age cites stats that say that a large proportion of Christian American's cant recite more than four of the ten commandments.

Talking of commanding white people, spare a thought for my mate Bjornar this Easter weeknd who is participating in the Geelong Shoot Out Film Festival. I've never tried to do a film before, but I've heard from reliable sources that they take longer than a day. Allegedly. Bjornar is attempting what George Lucas could never do - complete a movie that was short, sharp and to the point. (Hey, I'm a Star Wars geek and I reserve the right to critique the overbearing monolith of a golgotha that was the Episodes I-III...)

If The Shoot Out is anything like TropFest, he could be in for a fun, if wet, time. Just went through and watched the 16 TropFest finalists the other day too. Now THAT is filmmaking. Fishy fishy fishy fishy....

Something to talk about...

2006-04-10T19:32:00.000+10:00

D-day for moving out is now a week. Seven days, nay, less than. So if you have any good ideas - particularly those revolving around food - now is the time to divulge them. Let us all benefit from my misfortune...sorry..."excellent life experience." I am currently trying to school myself up on Mallorcan tumbet. Mmmmm. Baked vegies the Spanish way... (I'll attach the recipe in the comments later)

[Don't get the impression I don't want to leave. On the contrary, my parents are driving me nuts which I am convinced is a state-sponsored plot to turn my bedroom into some sort of new, unique, living area. I am also forseeing the sudden appearance of pink and lilac into 'my room'.]

Obviously, because I have nothing else to do with my time, I have a myspace account. Dave The Hat lives on throughout the internet, striding across coaxial cable like something...that strides...alot...

It's been a time for 'last drinks' these past few nights. The 3825 crew came and chilled for bbq and drinks on Friday night, and there was much rejoycing. Sean-bad came and chilled in at the studio on Sunday night for the last SPIT show for a little while, and there was much rejoycing.

But enough of the self serving diatribe. There is fun to be had! Unless you don't like cookies. At which point it becomes a case of Mrs Marple, in the dining room, with the tim tam. On the upside, it is much cheaper to attempt murder with your favourite choc-chip delight than it is to use a sandwhich...at least in England. 85 pounds for a bit of bread and lunchmeat? It's just sad; that people THOUGHT this was a good idea (hey, so did Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act 2); that people are ACTUALLY going to buy this; that there is NO HUMAN WAY that any sandwhich I can conceive of would ever cost 85 quid.

Nerds! Gotta love 'em.

2006-04-01T12:29:00.000+11:00

According to UberReview.Com, nerds, geeks and Star Wars fans of all sizes can buy a running replica of the Star Wars landspeeder! But of course, we don't have the technology for one of those hover thingys in real life, so the smart engineers have built it on a 1988 Ford Escort! The description partially reads:

It has blue underlighting to give it the impression of floating, plus I have all the parts needed to put a vapor propane flame-thrower into the centre jet and had it in at one point. It threw a wicket four-foot blue flame!

Blue flames! Land Speeders! Wookies of all ages! Let us revel in nerdom together!

Hollywood Scares Me...

2006-03-25T09:43:00.000+11:00

What Would Tyler Durden Do is a treasure trove of Hollywood and celebrity gossip gold. But this just scares me. So does this.

Mmmm. Artistic.

Thursday Afternoon Musings

2006-03-23T16:22:00.000+11:00

Linkage time kiddies!

Toothbrush Porn: because the world is not enough of a sick place already....

Make Your Own Bombay Style Subtitle Movie: Who said Bollywood wasn't pure class?!

Crazy Speedhumps in Dubai: ignore the infantile laughter and watch that Lamborghini get serious air...

And because MySpace is just a treasure trove of comedy gold:

(click the photo and hey presto! It gets bigger...)

Tings Dat Make You Go "Hmmm"

2006-03-23T10:14:00.000+11:00

TV: I watched Scrubs the other night. I like Scrubs; a nice easy show with a few laughs and good characters. Pity it's on at nearly midnight. So an ad break comes on and I'm expecting sexy ladies in bubble baths, a man spruking a giant plastic tank or even a tin shed. But no. In ONE ad break, over FOUR consecutive ads, Scrubs watchers were treated to
a) Alcoholics Anonymous (who's footage hasn't changed from the 1970s sadly...)
b) Narcotics Anonymous (why use footage when you can just use a black screen?!)
c) Salvation Army Gambling Relief Service
d) An anti child molestation/abandonment charity

What the??!! Who at the network suddenly decided that berating us for five minutes about our selfishness or latent desires/pleasures/hobbies/addictions would be a top idea? Have they done market research? Are the people who watch Scrubs more likely to hit the bottle in the break, have a quick toke, gamble away a quiet thousand or so, or even forget where they left the kids??!! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??!!

JOBS aka WORK: I just got a new job - I start after Easter in the wonderful world of TEEVEE NEWS. But already work scares me. According to American research, we should all do ourselves a favour and slack off. This is on top of an email German Andi sent me about how, if we fake happiness in the workplace, we are starting a long and windy road into depression and thus, a shorter lifespan. Eeeek!

Certified. Wise.

2006-03-22T12:03:00.000+11:00

Received a job offer yesterday, accepted today, and tomorrow...TEH WORLD!!!

Finally, a chance to actually get paid, full time work in the journalism industry! More soon.

Eva Longoria Is The Greatest/But Not As Great As The Great Eastern

2006-03-22T10:00:00.000+11:00

...even if she is an absolute minx in the bedroom.

But enough of such flesh based fantasies. There is another story I have been meaning to relay to you, dear reader, about the tale of The Great Eastern, a ship that could beat the Titanic into next week in terms of size and sheer cool factor.

The brain child of Isambard Kingdom Brunel - who earns bonus points for his name alone (can YOU remember who designed the Titanic? No...and it wasn't Leo either) - the ship was designed to carry goods and people to India and Australia around the 1850s, without stopping for fuel. It would be the biggest ship the world had ever seen. Twice the length and five times the weight of any previous ship, it would be the largest moveable object man had ever created.

It had two hulls - yes two - so hitting ice wasn't an issue. Plus, they were both made out of wrought iron. (Talk about hardcore. I want my next Toyota to come with two hulls....) They were so intense about building this thing that when it eventually got pulled apart, they found the remains of some of the young boys who worked on the ship, stuck inbetween these two massive hulls when the walls were riveted in. (Any chance we can build one and fill it with celebrities we don't like? Mischa Barton comes to mind.)

It gets better:

The ship required three million rivets, each an inch thick, all driven by hand by 200 rivet gangs. Each riveting squad had five members - two riveters, one 'holder-on' and two boys ('bash-boys' - one to heat the rivets, the other to insert them into the hole).

While the outer skin was being riveted, the 'holder-on' and his boy were often passing whole days or weeks in the confined space between the hulls, with little light other than that from a candle, and enduring the deafening thunder of 400 riveters' hammers, twelve hours a day, six days a week.

Working on the site was dangerous, and during construction several workers fell to their deaths. One workboy fell head-first from the structure, and was impaled on a standing iron bar. 'After he was dead, his body quivered for some time' said a witness. Another casualty was a visitor, who, 'in prying about, was bending over the head of a pile, when the monkey came down, flattening his head'.

So tell me again why we didn't get a movie about this boat???!!!

New Project: Radio Joy

2006-03-16T12:26:00.000+11:00

So, for those who don't know, I volunteer at a local community radio station. Awesome fun too. Have a ball. But I have finally hopped on the podcasting bandwagon and decided to put the glory of my voice and the power of other peoples music out into the global arena at:

http://spitrhymes.blogspot.com

It's hip hop fun and joy. We're going to have reviews, news, rants, playlists and of course, podcasts of the show.

Tell your friends. Tell your enemies. But for pity's sake, don't tell my future employers... :P

Yep. Decapitated Koalas are SO Melbourne.

2006-03-16T12:12:00.000+11:00

So we had the opening ceremony of the Commonwealth Games in Melbourne last night. Fairly good performance all round by the organising committee - no giant thongs or Greg Normans a la Sydney, though we did have a boy and his duck, a love story between a moto cross rider and a ballerina.

Then we really got freaked out. Giant Koala Bears, enlisted to rescue said Duck Boy from a makeshift spire representing the Victorian Arts Centre. There was even a dancing koala which had lost its head. Yes that's right, a decapitated koala just bustin' a move for all and sundry to see. Crazy. Is it Melbourne? Maybe more so than John So, but I digress...

Controversy about the non-singing of God Save The Queen though having said that, only the Brits, John Howard and Tony Abbot know the words. And did she sing OUR national anthem? Um....no. Poor effort, particularly given we trundled out the often hidden second verse ESPECIALLY!

Personally, I am looking forward to seeing how the Commonwealth State of Gurnsey performs at these games. With a name like that, you would have to think they have the best uniforms...

When I'm Famous, I Want To Endorse A Vegetable.

2006-03-13T20:38:00.000+11:00

In exciting news for people who love concept cars that guzzle gas like a child gets hooked on chocolate at Easter, rapper/"actor" Ice-T has agreed to be the promotional face for Rodedawg International Industries Inc's latest product, an amphibious 4x4 off-road vehicle. The cool bit? It was originally a Chinese military vehicle.

In other exciting news, Birds Eye have made contact with me just this past week and I am looking to put pen to paper to endorse their new canned sweet corn range. Because nothing says sweet corn more than Dave in a Hat...

Go Hard or Go Home

2006-03-06T19:44:00.000+11:00

More exciting news on the web than there are people who own bicycles in Southeast Asia. So I thought I would just bring you the top two.

For example, I went to a 21st on the weekend, for a young female friend of mine who does drink a lot. But not THIS much.

got a rush start on celebrating her 21st birthday by walking into a tavern about the stroke of midnight -- then partying her way through two bars and 21 shots, mostly hard liquor, in two hours. Minutes after the last drink, she crashed into a coma, her blood alcohol content of 0.682 was pretty much off the charts, the kind of number reserved for autopsy reports.

I have new found respect for her, yet still disappointed she or her party never got this far. What really gets me is the "journalist" (hahahaha) referring to her night of partying in Pennsylvania as a 'bar tour'. I think the Aussie 'pub crawl' is a much better title...

But nothing compares to a classy wedding at Maccas does it? I could do any number of super size/fries/healthy choice jokes...but looks as though the writer beat me to it. LAME!

Lady On The Stage, Freak In The Bedroom

2006-03-06T15:26:00.000+11:00

I really can't put it any better than Gawker did.

Ahh Oprah. From Book Club Baroness to Facial Ejaculations. Arguably, they are one and the same thing...and I say arguably because I know there are many of you who just LURV what Oprah has to say about the latest book scribbled by three high school drop outs looking to further fund their addiction to crack by composing a touching novel about a relationship between a panda bear and a bar of soap.

But that's just me.

While we're talking sex, lets talk transexuals. Like Video Ezy said, the choice is easy.

Graduation came and went. Flickr now hosts the gory details.

Graduations, now just a $100!

2006-03-04T11:06:00.000+11:00

And what does your $100 odd get you?

- Small, cold and occasionally round 'appetisers' (I use the term losely)
- A Bombay-style market place with photographers, jewelers, engravers, framers, clowns, muppets and CHICKEN WITH TEETH, all trying to sell you something.
- The ability to mingle with fellow graduands and show off how good/high paying/ass licking your new job is. (We don't care, guys, really we don't.)
- Oh, and you get a little bit of paper with your results and your name in embossed type. W000t!

You are NOT, under any circumstances, allowed to through your hat in the air. They frown on that, and our ye olde binishell (one of the last remaining in the world) would probably collapse. Given that the uni administration are ripping another wad of cash kicking and screaming from your wallet, feel free not to smile. Most of the other academics won't be...

Accordingly, this is supposed to be the first day in the rest of my life. Given that this is graduatio number 2, and I am no closer to "the rest of my life", I think I have been sold a dud. This sucks. Can we go watch TV yet?

Mutant Teeth Chickens!

2006-03-03T00:23:00.000+11:00

I WAS going to go to bed...but this article here has provided me with a whole range of cool images that no amount of sleep/dreaming will ever give me.

Working late in the developmental biology lab one night, Matthew Harris of the University of Wisconsin noticed that the beak of a mutant chicken embryo he was examining had fallen off. Upon closer examination of the snubbed beak, he found tiny bumps and protuberances along its edge that looked like teeth--alligator teeth to be specific.

I mean seriously, think about. Not just mutuant chicken with teeth...mutant chicken with ALLIGATOR TEETH! Hitchcock was right! THE BIRDS ARE COMING! Quick, seal up all entries to the house! First we have bird flu, now we work out that the chickens CAN bite. Man, this sucks...or 'bites' even...

Speaking of dreams though, my mate Bjornar is having a lot of trouble with his of late. Something to do with Bill Clinton and Tony Robbins. He is now calling for definitions. The winning entry will enter his sleep patterns next week.

Fun?

2006-03-01T10:06:00.000+11:00

For those of you worried about freaks on the net, there's a new training game out there: ID THE CREEP!

And remember:

2006-02-28T14:19:00.000+11:00

Long time readers may remember the intrepid explorations of musicals a la Fatboy Slim some time last year. Well, in news fresh from Yahoo Entertainment, it would appear that lovers of Greek tragedy and urban music everywhere will enjoy the marriage of the two in a new musical called "The Seven."

A quick plot synopsis reveals that Oedipus, the legendary Greek king who killed his father and married his mother, was "the original gangsta" and a "mack daddy" who looked like James Brown.

"The Seven" is an updated version of Aeschylus's tragedy "Seven Against Thebes," the story of the two sons of Oedipus who take up arms against each other after he curses them.

Yep, sounds pretty 'gangsta' to me. Young rappers will rhyme over any backing these days...The musical numbers supposedly feature hop-hop, 1970s funk, R&B, gospel and blues...while the reviewer believes that Oedipus has a distinct air of James Brown.

Though wait a minute parents! The play is also educational!

The program for the play includes a glossary explaining that "mack daddy" is slang for "a pimp; or a man who is popular with the ladies," and that Homer was the author of epic poems "The Iliad" and "The Odyssey" before he became a cartoon character on "The Simpsons."

Narrated by a DJ and with flashbacks to the legend of Oedipus for the benefit of those not familiar with Greek mythology, the play has won good reviews since opening this month at a 188-seat off-Broadway theater. The fast-paced script mixes gags about Trojans (ancient people and condoms) and Apollo (a Greek deity and a Harlem concert hall) with serious moments such as when the fearful people of Thebes lament the war about to engulf their city.

So I thought it only appropriate to post pictures of the original and the greatest Mack Daddy in Slick Rick. Oh, and the classic engraving below him is Oedipus and The Sphinx. Just in case you were confused.

Ahh, hip hop theatre. How much do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

Bloody ripper.

2006-02-23T20:24:00.000+11:00

Quick poll. Is 'bloody' a so-called member of the Naughty Words Group?

Prime Minister John Howard has praised the new advertising campaign by Tourism Australia, which features a cheeky tag-line. The new advertisements feature ordinary people in some of Australia's most well-known places, offering a unique invitation: "So where the bloody hell are you?"

All this, after our illustrious Prime Minister came out and said that there had been a widespread deterioration in good manners across the country. What the journo reports didn't say was that Mr Howard was also pleased that our tourism industry was putting across a particular image that reinforces stereotypes for overseas visitors. Great. So now they'll ALL think we're bogans who ride kangaroos to work and keep wombats as pets.

In other news, we here at Hat Musing HQ have been counting beans all night and yes, we did pass 1000 visitors. Yay for us. We think you should all bake us cakes and send them to an address upon request. We also accept chocolate and fairy bread.

Post 90/On My Way To Hip Hopularity?

2006-02-19T20:31:00.000+11:00

Apparently I have MAD SKILLZ (the Z is compulsory). I can't help that I'm dope.

The RapCella.Com is an Aussie based hip hop site with an extensive nay exhaustive quiz of hip hop trivia. Prizes for being in the top 10 at months end. With a week to go, has our hero timed his run to perfection???!!!

Linkage!

2006-02-19T10:40:00.000+11:00

Haven't done a totally mindless post for a while with some crazy/insane/inane/boring links (circle appropriate, but don't blame me for stuffing up your nice LCD screen with a ball point pen). So here we go:

The World's Smallest Web Site: including, quite probably, the world's smallest game of pong.
UUUHHHGGG-rrrr! Beacuse even Chewy the Wookie needs to blog...
The Greatest XBox Ad In The History of Xbox Ads: yes it was banned. No, I don't understand either.
The Museum of Burnt Food: Now taking new entries...

Moguls; more than bumps in the dirt

2006-02-17T18:08:00.000+11:00

Today, the attention span of the average voting Australian has been occupied by the thoughts of moguls. Yes, its moguls moguls moguls down here at the moment!

First off we have Dale Begg-Smith, newly crowned Olympic Champion of skiing's mogul event, another of these events that requires you to leave your fears at the door before downing a healthy pot full of insanity. And I love it.

For the uninitiated, moguls are the little frozen bumps in the snow that crazy skiiers hurtle around on their way to stupidly ridiculous twists and flips. However, we were not just looking to the slopes for our mogul fixation this week. Today was the state commemorative service (tax payer funded of course) for Kerry Packer, media mogul. Alas, to my dissappointment, this does not mean that he was a little heaped mound in the landscape that people have to avoid, though it wouldn't be too far from the truth.

Just another point on Mr Begg-Smith. Nice guy, relaxed, cool dude, drives a good car (in Montreal, that is), mysterious charm, lives in Melbourne. These are all good points. But how is it that he gets citizenship ahead of 5 doctors from the middle east claiming political asylum? Yes kids, its further proof that our government values sporting ability and potential achivement above qualified professionals in a field of expertise we are desperately lacking in. Imagine how that meeting would have gone:

Department of Immigration Lackey (aka DIL): Sir, this weeks applications include three Iraqi doctors, a number of Afghani engineers and a Canadian skiier.
Immigration Honcho: Cool. Rubber stamp the skiier and send the rest to detention for a few years.
DIL: Uh, sir? We are desperately short of doctors and engineers...not to mention we only have snow for 3 months a year in a good season...
IH: Whatever. We are a population of sports jocks. The kids will love it. Rubber stamp the skier. And while you're at it, get his siblings out here too. Kid's gotta have some company, we don't want him lonely.

I bet you that if any of these Middle Eastern countries had a Ski Program - wait, make that just SNOW - we would see MORE professionals here.

And the real clincher? The Australian media and pollies alike are absolutely throwing themselves prostate at his feet and begging for his acceptance; a sign of agreement that yes, even though he holds Australian citizenship (and has done for more than 5 years) he does consider us 'home'. It's like a pornstar bending over naked, leaning against a wall and asking if we like her ass. Embarassing, but at least the pornstar is a little cute...

Anyways, besides all that, the guy is a total dude and skies like a ninja, so as Monty Python once sang, "always look on the bright side of life!"

New York, New York

2006-02-16T16:06:00.000+11:00

Lets play a game of hypotheticals.

Let's say you were mayor of a major American city, and were conducting a tour/photo op/ass kissing PR exercise of one of your city offices. It is obviously very important to show both workers and world press alike that you are no GIRLY MAN and that YOU MEAN BUSINESS. To prove such a point, do you:

a) Throttle a nearby kitten before hurling it at the cieling fan,
b) Challenge a surprised toddler to a stapler duel, or
c) Fire an office assistant for having the audacity to be playing Solitare.

Which would you choose?

Take a second and think.

By the miracle of the internet, I now bring you the TRUE story of New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg who ordered that one of his office assistants - on a paltry $20k odd awage - be fired for having Solitare running in the background of his computer. Why Why WHY MR BLOOMBERG?! To what point does this serve, except your own maniacal glee at having your finger on the "fire" button for every local government employee in the state. "The workplace is not an appropriate place for games," Bloomberg said. "It's a place where you've got to do the job that you're getting paid for." Sure. That nasty Bill Clinton set such a bad example for people wanting to get paid for not doing work. And you mean to tell me that HE's NEVER done anything extra-curricular in his office?! Riiiiigghttt.

Office assistant Edward Greenwood IX was going over some papers at his desk as Bloomberg made the rounds with his photographer, greeting workers and posing for pictures. When the mayor reached him, Greenwood stood, they shook hands and the photographer snapped a photo.

But the eagle-eyed mayor - a billionaire former businessman with a certain idea of how offices should be run - noticed Greenwood's game of solitaire glowing on his screen. He said nothing about it to Greenwood but later told an aide to give him the ax.

So he didn't even do it in person? Now when I was just a young 13 year old, I often got mates to ask out girls for me because I was too chicken. Now that, I think, is understandable behaviour. But if he felt SOOOO strongly this anti-solitare sentiment - maybe he just wasn't hugged enough as a kid - why didn't he do it himself?

Greenwood, who earned $27,000 a year and had worked in the office for six years, said in a telephone interview that he limited his play time to his one-hour lunch or during quick breaks when he needed a moment of distraction.

"It wasn't like I spent hours and hours a day playing, because I had plenty to do," Greenwood said. "If I had been working at something exhaustively for two hours, I might get a cup of coffee and play for a minute but then go right back to my work."

BAH! THE WORLD HAS GONE CRAZY! I DON'T THINK I WANT A JOB ANYMORE!

It's called NATURAL SELECTION for a reason, kids!

2006-02-09T11:02:00.000+11:00

Boo Boo is quite possibly the ugliest chicken in existence, from what I can tell of the small photo. However that did not stop a retired nurse from giving the damn thing "mouth-to-beak" resuscitation after the chook was found floating face down in the family pound.

Oh, and the chicken is called Boo Boo because

she is easily frightened. The Calhouns thought Boo Boo was startled and flopped into the pond.

Okayyyy. So a neurotic bird scared itself to death. You don't think bringing it back to life was going to be scary enough for the chicken??? We subscribe to the theory of natural selection for a reason! What about the chickens quality of life? Sure, it may be cute to scare Boo Boo with water pistols, whoopee cushions and all sorts of tricks...but would you do it to a neurotic grandparent hooked up on life support in the hospital? Of course not! Stop the Oppression of Chickens! Free The Chickens! Viva La Fowl Revolution!

Hat List Update: February

2006-02-06T20:45:00.000+11:00

The month changed last week. So my music tastes obvsiously changed. Thus, The Hat List is now updated, so please feel free to scrolly scrolly scroll down the left hand side here and find yourself some more good music that is above and beyond anything you will see on American Idol. Currently, the list includes a token rapper, a weird sounding british band, a new release from a popular band, a silly album about medicine, a group named after dancehall anxiety and finally, a CD by The Coolest Dude On The Planet.

I went missing, but found myself

2006-02-06T20:21:00.000+11:00

So I have been absent. And in Bendigo. Both at the same time. Why Bendigo, I hear the masses bray? Well, I had *another* WORK TRIAL! (aka non-paid labour, aka volunteering for slavery-in-a-suit). This time, I hit the shiny new offices of the Bendigo Advertiser. Got five stories published too, in my two days. To which my sister-in-law remarked "Wow, it looks like a real article."

Well, yes, I should bloody well hope so. It IS a real article. There, look, in news print in one of the states biggest regional dailies. And after three years of a journalism degree, I should really hope it is "real".

Anyways.

So no job offer as yet. I am being told to wait and see, so I'm thinking my chances are still 50/50...obviously I didn't get a job offer then and there. If nothing else, I get my name in "real" print, in a "real" newspaper. It's not all glitz and glamour folks. Take this sample of what I typed while waiting for an interview subject to call back:

I do wish this lady would hurry up and call back, it is driving me nuts waiting, and I dont want to start anything else until it is wrapped up. Crazyness. And I have a blister on my heel which sucks if you dont like blisters. I dont happen to be a huge fan of blisters, but that doesnt mean I hate them. Sure, I wouldnt take one out to tea or home to meet The Mum, but I am not going to condemn them as bi-products of the sulfur pits in Hell. Now, diahorrea on the other hand...

But journalism is a fantastic little gig. You get to surf the net for "stuff" which you then write about...and apparently get paid for! For instance, whilst "researching" and cataloging my moist towlette collection, I found Find-A-Grave! Imagine, millions of cemetery records at your fingertips! Just think of the possibilities! You too can find out the intimate details of the birthing and subsquent death of famous (and infamous) people around the world! Trivial Pursuit will be your poppy field of paradise from now on; quiz nights will see you dominate the Who Am I section.

Or, if you would rather not think about all of that, go to Stare Down Sally. Guess what you have to do? Stare...Sally...Down. Do you have Eyeballs of STEEL?!!!!

Another Day, Another Hot Day

2006-01-27T09:01:00.000+11:00

Things I have learnt from watching Memoirs of a Geisha:

- It is okay to sleep with as many people as you like, so long as your stated aim is to get closer to the man you love. You now have a legitimate excuse. Feel free and liberated.

- Wooden shoes with heels have no practical purpose at all...but damn girlfriend, will they get you the props you deserve!

- Westerner's have no idea about Eastern culture. Not much has changed.

- As The Beatles song said, "Money can't buy you love." But it can buy you a nice virgin if you desire.

- Be under no illusion that your parents love you. If they need the cash for drugs, they WILL sell you into the rough equivalent of slavery. Remember this in numerous flash backs.

If you leave this blog thinking I didn't like it, you would be wrong. I actually rather enjoyed it. Don't be confusing the messages now.

Quick fire update. All smokey and hazy this morning, like a huge blanket covering the valley. You can just make out the hills. Just. Still expecting temperatures in the mid thirties today, with Erica being the major town under threat. According to the CFA, the front is only 1.8km away from Erica proper, and 1.6km away from the Tyers Junction (which, happily enough in this instance, is no where near Tyers), and it is moving in a South-Easterly direction towards those places. In total, some 14 000 hectares have been burnt since last Thursday. Be sure to check the CFA website for further details, particularly regarding road closures and community meetings. No new photos today - the movie is still up though, and plenty of photos are available through my flickr site.

Howard Wrestling: Our New National Sport

2006-01-25T19:45:00.000+11:00

Lovely header on last night's ABC 7.30 Report: "Howard Wrestles With Nationals". I would personally LOVE to see our Prime Minister literally wrestle a few Nationals. Can't you just picture it now? Lewd yellow and green shorts, long socks up to his knees, crouching low and moving crab like (or Zoidberg like) around the ring before leaping forward like a perverse jack-in-the-box before biting down Tyson-like on the ear of Barnaby Joyce. Hilarious! He does, of course, already have his own moniker or stage name - "The Man Of Steel" - as given to him by Bush (now there's one fire I wouldn't put out). Now all he needs is a signature move. Maybe he could have The Apology, bringing hippies and conservatives alike to their knees in a weeping infused featal position. He could also have The Walk, a powerful stride into the knees of his opponent, whilst babbling on about how he could have played cricket for Australia. Please put your suggestions in the comments section below - lets help this man get a new career!

More reasons to institute the death penalty today than raisins in a muffin; fire fighters from Shepparton who had come down to help fight the Moondarra-Erica fire returned to their motel room in Traralgon to find that thieves had STOLEN their wallets, phones and even their clothes. So now my list of "hate crimes" stands at 3: people who light fires intentionally in bushfire season, people who molest kids and people who steal from emergency relief workers helping at the scene of the crime. Its below looting.

A quick fire update. Today's forty degree temperatures and potential south-westerly wind means that Tyers, Yallourn and Tanjil are back under threat, so fingers crossed all round there. The CFA are reporting that fifty four fire fighters from the NSW Rural Fire Service will join 287 Parks Victoria, DSE and CFA personnel today to replace the tiring crews and assist in preventing spot fires and an expansion of the front. It has burnt over 13 000 hectares of bushland since it started about a week ago. Below I have FINALLY uploaded the widescreen shots, taken last Friday-Saturday.

Fire Update, Monday Jan 23rd PM

2006-01-23T16:28:00.000+11:00

Haze has started to lift here and the fire front has receded somewhat, moving directly away from Moe and back into the foothills. Still abysmally hot and still out of control though. A number of smaller grass fires have been springing up in the built up areas, particularly Newborough (Haunted Hills Road) and even out the back of Churchill in the Jeeralang's. So for pity's sake, if you see someone lighting a fire delibrately, punch them in the face for me.

The CFA have updated the major incident section on their website, and here is the executive summary (as of 3.50pm):

520 firefighters
59 trucks
17 bulldozers
4 aircraft
4 helicopters

Firefighters were successful in stopping the fire three kilometres north of Yallourn North last night and the level of threat to the areas of Tanjil, Tanjil South, Yallourn North and Tyers has currently subsided, though it has started to move back towards Erica and Rawson. In total nearly 10 000 hecatres of has been burnt in the Moondarra State Forrest and surrounds. Community information meetings will be held this evening at the Newborough Town Hall at 5pm, the Yallourn North Fire Station at 6.30pm and at the Tyers Fire Station at 8.00pm.

My mate in Erica said that the fire got up to 22km/h at some stages - "almost filled my nappy" was his quote. Here are some of his photos closer to the front:

For those locally, there are a number of road closures (as listed on the DSE website):

Purvis Rd at Becks Bridge Rd -No north bound
Walhalla Rd (Moe-Erica Rd) at Purvis Rd - No north bound
Tyers- Walhalla Rd at Rintouls Creek Rd - No north bound
Cowarr-Walhalla Rd at Maffra Rd - No north bound
(Parker corner) Walhalla-Thompson Valley Rd - No south bound
Walhalla Rd at Tyers-Walhalla Rd - no south bound
Tanjil Bren Rd/Mount Baw Baw Tourist Road - CLOSED
Old Sale-Walhalla Rd at Hunter Hill Rd - CLOSED
Hernes Oak - Freeway over-pass - no north bound
Coach Rd at Old Sale Rd - CLOSED
Moe North Rd at Golf Links Rd - CLOSED

A quick reminder that you can still download a short (less than 1mb) video of the firefront as of late Saturday afternoon by clicking HERE.

Fire Update, Monday Jan 23rd AM

2006-01-23T09:16:00.000+11:00

Local ABC is now reporting that some 5000 hectares of the Moondarra State Forrest has been burnt and, still, no houses have been lost. Keep up the good work CFA.

The CFA website is now reporting that some 123 trucks are working on the Moondarra fire. The wind change came last night, pushing it back away from Moe-Tanjil South-Yallourn North-Tyers, but back onto Erica and Rawson. A mate up in Erica said that the fire was getting up to 22km/h at some stages. Quite a few of the pine and eucalyptus plantations have also gone up in big clouds of smoke.

No new photos: too much haze and smoke obscuring the mountain. Will get to the wide angle shots this afternoon and post an update then.

Another point for discussion in the comments section - "Deliberate Fire Starters Deserve The Death Penalty In Bushfire Season. Discuss"

Moondarra Fire Video: 21-1-2006

2006-01-22T21:53:00.000+11:00

As promised, a small panoramic video of the fires at Moondarra-Erica and now Yallourn North-Tyers et al. Provided by the happy go lucky folk at YourFileLink.com.

Access the video HERE. (click the "here" word for the uninitiated...if you are old school: http://www.yourfilelink.com/get.php?fid=8869).

Night Time Burny Burny

2006-01-22T21:34:00.000+11:00

Night time at the Moondarra fire. Pretty, in a worrying kind of way.

Yallourn North, now officially being evacuated totally. The real worry? A fire threatening the open cut, the biggest hole in the southern hemisphere aka a big coal mine.

The Roof Is STILL on fire

2006-01-22T17:56:00.000+11:00

Latest photo, taken about 15 minutes ago from the front patio.

Fresh wind gusts are playing havoc with fire control, and the front has spread, endangering the bigger towns of Yallourn North and Tyers, which is under "ember attack" as I type. To add insult to injury, one of the special helicopter water bombers just crashed after take off here at Latrobe Regional Airport. Pilot a ok, helicopter a total mess. Like the fire fighters needed that right now.

Will endeavour to upload more photos from yesterday to flickr, and yes still trying to get near a computer to do that widescreen shot: http://www.flickr.com/photos/2bithero/

In other news, it was my Dad's birthday yesterday, 70 years young. W00t for Dad!

***INCIDENT UPDATE 6.09pm***
Just got off the CFA (Victorian Country Fire Authority) website: The Moondarra-Erica (Region 9) fire is still friggin' huge and is classified is "going" as in...going badly. 118 trucks are there now, from places as far away as the Dandenong Ranges, and even some from outer NSW or so we just found out. There's a heap of traffic hitting that site, so be patinet.

Will also aim to put up a small video ASAP.

The Roof Is On Fire

2006-01-21T10:16:00.000+11:00

I live in the Latrobe Valley, some one and a half hours from Melbourne. It's nice. I like it down here; close to the beach, close to the mountains.

Maybe too close.

Erica, a small township some 15 - 25km from where I live, is on fire, or at the very least, surrounded by it. Badly. So is the Moondarra State Park. Has been since Thursday, when come muppet decided to light a fire on a 30 degree plus day. On my way out of town, I saw five more fire trucks on their way up to the mountain from as far away as the coast near Phillip Island. Today, a further 9 rocked along through the main street on their way up, this contingent from the Dandenong Ranges. By yesterday afternoon, there where some 25-30 trucks up there.

These photos were taken about 3.30pm yesterday afternoon and as yet the fire is yet to be brought under control. The fire has already burnt between 2800 and 3100 hectares (depending on whether you hit up the CFA or DSE) and has crossed over the Moe-Rawson Road.

The red line has to be an approximation, as the fire keeps jumping containment lines, and running along into the valleys. The grey area in the top right is Erica and Rawson. Next stop, Moe! Break out the bbq and lets have a brew.

So in your travels these next few days, think of the firies who are volunteering from across the country to put this bad boy out. Many thought to Andi, kicking it with the Erica CFA up there too. And for God's sake, don't light a naked flame on a hot day...