Friday, September 30, 2005

Shhhh! I'm Being Stealth

Yes! For the first time ever I found a copy of Stealth Magazine in a local newsagent. Actually, make that the first time I have seen a copy in a newsagents ever. See, in Melbourne they sell out like hot cakes (Melbourne-town is close to becoming the Australian hip-hop capital) and down here in the country...well...they just never get them in!

So excuse me while I go and cover myself in cheap "ice" and indulge myself in "some dope beats"...

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 2:17 PM :: 3 Comments:

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Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Nerd Is The New Popular

The cast of hit US TV show, "Popular".

Consider this: most "nerds" (see also geeks) are thought to be small, slimy individuals with little regard for personal hygine and quite possibly addicted to the 'kiddy crack' of computer and role playing games. Nerds are thought of as being obsessive over trivial things, interested in only the most niche of niche areas. I'm proud to be part of this too. However I would like to highlight a discrepency...NERD IS THE NEW POPULAR!

Exciting news from the home of the walking advertising slogan, Tokyo, where a collection of shops, known as RanKing and RanQueen have been formed to RANK THE MOST POPULAR BUYS! (Click here if you can read Japanese.) That includes things like sweet-potato candy, fluffy cow dice and vitamin pads! Now maybe I'm drawing a long link here...but isn't this just obsessions over NICHE AREAS? Isn't this just an addiction OVER TRIVIAL THINGS? That's right! These people are THROUGH AND THROUGH NERDS!

Then there was the US soap series "Popular", which featured a cast of loveable characters, each one...A LITTLE BIT NERDY! Yet, they became POPULAR. See? As Einstein would have said:

nerd = popular x time squared

Don't get me started on popular music. They were known as "band geeks" for a reason, and here they are, playing out our rock god fantasies. NERDS! But even some of them go to far. Take Norwegian band Datarock, and their new single "Computer Camp Love". With such great lyrics as:

I ran into her on computer camp, had my Commodore 64, had to score.

There's even an Revenge of the Nerds reference in their! Who would have thought! Rock stars ARE NERDS!

And speaking of blowjobs...I know, it's not real but still. Good for a quick grin.

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 5:34 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Saturday, September 17, 2005

A Delay In Time

No posts for a while, but not for lack of ideas, merely a lack of time. Expect an outpouring of intellectual imagination (aka CRAP) in the near future.

In the meantime I will have a quick word about two things.

The first follows on from my previous post of "Beer As A Social Lubricant MkII". It was raining heavily today on my into work. I passed the local petrol station before the highway stop and was confronted with a confounding sense of deja vu. There, standing in the pouring rain, was The Longneck Man (as he shall now be known), admittedly minus a long neck of VB. However, he still had the plastic flowers. New or different? That's the question. Maybe he is still wandering around with the flowers, searching for his loved one. Maybe he found him or her, and was bringing another beautiful bounty to them. Maybe he just likes flowers...

Secondly and onto something much more nerdy n' stuff. Google now have Blog Search for all your blogging needs...even the humble musings of myself and The Hat are up there. And that can only be good.

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 11:52 AM :: 1 Comments:

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Friday, September 09, 2005

Beer as a Social Lubricant Mk II

Seems that the dens that serve the 'goldenst' of golden beverages isn't only helpful in providing a shelter spot for expectant mothers, but also for those who are getting over an episode of tough love with Katrina. In heart warming news for alcoholics all across The Big Easy, bars in the French Quarter have reopened their doors in a bid to bring back a sense of normalcy to the lives of those still there. (Yes, because hyped up ex-cons with shotguns needed another excuse to get violent and loot more shit.) The BBC News report has Alastair Leithead sharing a cold one with "One Eyed Jack" who continues to prop up the counter at Johnny White's bar. Hell, they even had a Hurricane Party on the eve of the storm. Hoorah for drinkers. Who would have thought that in the wake of one of the world's "biggest" natural disasters of recent times (Thank You Western Media Outlets) that those in the front line for getting on with things would be the guys with a slab over their shoulders looking for a good spot to watch the footy.

Mr Leithead goes above and beyond the call of duty for most BBC foreign correspondents to provide us with some dazzling insights on the state of plumbing post-Katrina:

"What is the toilet etiquette?" I asked the barmaid, wondering if I should just go out into the street.

"Here is the restroom key," she said, handing me a torch, "and watch the body on the stairs."

Exciting news to for the Australian family of Ashley McDonald who, after a typical Aussie night on the piss, found himself in a New Orleans lock up with a hurricane bearing down on the city. McDonald is now free to continue his US holiday after being released today. He went from being locked up overnight to sleep it off to spending almost 10 days - plus a prisoner riot - in a New Orleans jail, herded there along with the rest of the inmates as the storm struck. And his parents are wrapped to have him back in their tender care...or are they? His mother, a Ms Mutunansky...:

...promises to "give him an earful when I see him"...

But at least she's traveled halfway around the world to pick him up from the prison. But then again...

...Ms Mutunansky suggested Ashley should make his own way to Tennessee. "He should walk up, after what he's put us through."

Still on drinking and I saw something the other day that kind of sums up everything, I think. A man, in a flanny, taking a walk in the bright sunshine, with a long neck of VB in one hand...and a posey of PLASTIC FLOWERS in the other. I have a few thoughts here:
a) He's high on some sort of substance,
b) It's either going to be a very happy and lucky lady (or man) that receives him plus flowers, or a rather unimpressed one,
c) He thought they were real flowers and got them for his mum, or
d) He was dropped off by aliens as a measure to divert well-meaning motorists from concentrating on the road, thus causing numerous pile ups and disrupting world peace.

Personally, I favour the latter option, but that's just me.

Postscript: As you can see, I learnt about the joys of linking today. Hoo-rah for part time web nerds.

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 8:08 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Not Your Traditional New Orleans Rant

NOTE: I am determined not to make this 'just another New Orleans rant', and if that leaves to hate and spite in the comments section, so be it. But bear with me pause to think first.

There's been a huge outpouring of emotion around the world these last few months. It started with the Asian tsunami, followed into the London bombings and reached another peak at the time Hurricane Katrina hit the New Orleans coast. All three are tragic events, and I really encourage everyone to take at least one moment of their day to think of the poor souls that have been affected by this.

Having said that, there are interesting things to come to light. No, I'm not talking about Shrub's (thats George BUSH jnr to you unknowing types) inability to say or do anything meaningful. No, I'm not talking about the rise of petrol prices EVEN THOUGH the reserves that were released to cover the fall have twice over covered for any loss in production. No dear reader, I refer you to the humble world of moodography, according to LiveJournal. One of a number of online diary/rantage providers, the 'clincher' that LJ provides to its users is the ability to document what mood they are in at time of writing. The stats that result provide interesting reading for every inner nerd.

Now, Hurricane Katrina hit the shores of New Orleans in the wee hours of Monday morning, August the 29th. It wouldn't take a rocket scientist to conclude that people were undoubtedly worried. Moodography bears this out:
Sure, its gone down as the hurricane passed by, but still noticable.

Ditto for pesimistic: seems that not everyone is surprised at Shrub's response, and the political STORM that has surrounded the relief effort:

Notice the 0.3-0.5% jump around Thursday? Yeah. Thought you did.
This is where things get interesting. Who would have thought that people were being TROUBLEMAKERS? YES! Turns out that those hooligans looting buildings...may well be BLOGGERS! HEAVEN FORBID!I refer of course to the "mischevous" amongst us...

And then we get to the just plain sick puppies...those that have watched the whole thing unfold with a stupid grin on their face...NERDS! (Notice the peak when Shrub finally manages a photo op...):

So what have I just proved? Absolutely sweet FA. Apart from the fact that blogging isn't rocket science, and stats still don't give us meaningful answers to life's biggest questions: what is the meaning of life, are we alone in the universe, and are there really underpants gnomes...

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 10:47 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Not Fat, Not Fun

Oh McDonalds, why did you go and ruin a perfectly good formula? People LIKED coming in and gorging themselves on your fried leftovers. People LIKED knowing they could walk into any one of your carbon-copy franchises world wide and be served roughly the same tripe over and over. People LIKED the fact that you didn't seem to care about what others thought...sure there were a few dissenters, but you sure showed them with those defamation lawsuits hey?!!!

I was talking with my brother tonight, and while both of us duly recognise that our gym-to-TV&food intake ratio is not as balanced as it should be, both of us think that McDonalds have completely lost the plot in trying to make their new, healthy choice menu sexy. Before Supersize Me, we all knew that McDonalds wasn't healthy. That's why we enjoyed it! I mean, lets take the new round of advertising on Australian TV: kids CLIMBING out of the BODIES of adults? Is HR Geiger the artistic consul on their ad campaigns these days? Did Ridley Scott provide some sort of input? Maybe the meeting went like this like:

You know guys, I like the too-perfect-to-be-true adult stereotypes finding meaning in their life through your new menu. But it won't get the cool factor happening like A TINY SPAWN RIPPING ITSELF OUT OF THEIR ABDOMEN! You remember my first Alien movie? That little shrimp look a like bursting out of the chest of that guy gave thousands of teenage kids a wet bed for a week...Yeah. That'll shock 'em into buying your product for sure!

NB: Obviously prime time is quite strict on its censorship, so the blood and guts were edited out in the final version. The clean one sucks. Lets see the director's cut at midnight shall we.... I put this to you as an afterthought: when you were a kid, I bet your thoughts about fast food didn't centre on a salad roll with grated carrot! Hell no, you were thinking lollies, cakes, cookies, chips and more of it mum if you don't mind, just bring the shovel and follow me! So the fact that McDonalds is saying that we all need to embrace our inner child is patently wrong...because our inner child knows where the taste is, and its certainly not with the limp, weak excuse for a salad that McDonalds offers. (Please, I could get more nutrients if I inhaled snow through my socks.)

Fat just does not equal fun anymore. Consider the following list - if fat wasn't involved with ANY of these choices, our world would be less fun because of it:

- sumo wrestling
- Drew Carery
- 'Yo Mamma' jokes
- weight-loss ads on the telly
- pennyfarthing bicycles
- Queen's "Fat Bottomed Girls" song

I say, lets embrace the fat!

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 10:30 PM :: 6 Comments:

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Friday, September 02, 2005


Nunchucks. They look damn cool, don't they? Spinning bits of plastic or wood, silver chains pulled tight, whirling bits of DEATH! Its high up on the list of "Skills I Wish I Had But Will Never Get". Like an interest in fishing. Or even the ability to bake a perfect cheese cake (recipes accepted below).

One of my best mates has started to teach himself - something involving a high degree of personal risk but surprisingly, something he has become quite successful at. I think he decided to throw caution into the wind with his first child on the way. Yes. I think you can see what I mean.

No matter, he has become quite a ninja at it. So much so, I was enlisted to be his first padwan: an apprentice in the art of spinning things really fast and trying not to hit the dog. I succeeded too. That is, I didn't hit the dog. Well, I didn't hit it that hard. (Anyway, it was the dogs fault.) I mastered the art of rolling my wrist over 'the strike' so that the other end of this WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION didn't arc back and slap me across the back of a knee like I was the target of some misplaced Mafia hit. It's a satisfying feeling, really it is. So that was the good part. The bad part was it took me half an hour to figure out how to hold it tight under my armpit properly (without making a matted, bloody mess of my underarm hair), and then which hand to swing it through with. Meanwhile, there's my friend, swinging his pair like a jazz musician swinging a cat in a dunny. And he grinned at me. GRINNED! I'm not used to being so un-coordinated. I realise now how truly humiliating it is to be the one that everyone grins at when things go wrong. I can only hope that lesson two doesn't involve windows...

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 12:37 PM :: 7 Comments:

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