Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Sex, The Ultimate Incentive

Ukrainian soccer players "...have been promised quality time with their wives if they reach the World Cup semi-finals." (Original story here).

Woo hoo indeed.

"Asked if he would allow his players to have sex with their wives and girlfriends during the month-long tournament, Ukraine coach Oleg Blokhin said: "I would personally send my players to see their wives if we reach the (World Cup) semis...Those who don't feel like it, I'll just drag to their wives. Take my word for it," Blokhin told Russian daily Sport-Express.

This coach of theirs sounds like a pretty imposing sort of fella. And the scary thing is, they have a real chance of making it past the first round at least, with a relatively weak group (featuring perennial under-achievers Spain, Tunisia and Saudi Arabia) as well as one of the best forwards in the world, Schevchenko.

GO YOU GOOD THING GO! DO IT FOR THE SEX!

In other news, I released my debut album today. I will be taking money orders through PayPal for advanced releases:

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 12:15 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Monday, May 29, 2006

How to be a moist towelette...


Step 1: Play a sport. Try and pick one that's rough and quite manly. Like table tennis.

Step 2: Become good at this sport to a point where you are in the national team. Receive fame and fortune.

Step 3: Burst into a tears at a public bar after your team's captain hits you in the head with a lady's hand bag. Oh, and then get thrown out by a lady bouncer.

Classic! So, the founding nomination for the First Annual Hat Musings Moist Towlette Award for most spectacular whinge in public goes to the Kiwi rugby player who can't stand the pain...

In other news, the Danes are dubbing "OUR" Princess Mary the Nordic Imedla Marcos after an audito into royal spending showed Mary and Crown Prince Frederick spent $2,500 a day on clothes, shoes and furniture.

Look why not?! I know I couldn't get by without a couple of grand a day on furniture. Sometimes, when I want hot Egyptian women to feed me peeled grapes, I feel like doing it on a purple couch. Sometimes I want it on a blue couch. So why should I be restricted to just one colour?

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 1:49 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Saturday, May 27, 2006

Hey, its just a fat kid!

Exciting news for obese people everywhere: you now have your own ambulances!

(Taken from the Herald Sun @ http://www.heraldsun.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5478,19268679%255E661,00.html)

NEW ambulances for fat patients will be built under a $3 million funding package to be unveiled in next week's state Budget.

The reinforced ambulances will be able to transport patients weighing up to 350kg.
The ambulances will include specialist equipment such as heavy-duty wheelchairs, stretchers and lifters.

Five new ambulances will be built as a direct reaction to Australia's obesity epidemic.

Treasurer John Brumby will announce the funding on Tuesday when he delivers the Bracks Government's sixth Budget.

Of the $3 million, half will be used to fit out Victoria's rural and metropolitan ambulance fleet with bariatric, or obesity, equipment.

The new funding comes as Victoria's obesity crisis worsens, with rising numbers of "morbidly obese" people admitted to hospital.

The epidemic is reportedly taking its toll on paramedics, who face occupational health and safety risks in lifting obese patients.

The $3 million ambulance funding aims to protect paramedics as well as ensuring ambulances can cater for obese patients.

The new obesity ambulances are expected to be on Victorian roads in February next year.

The ambulance package is part of its $25 million anti-obesity funding boost expected to be announced in the budget.

Last week the Herald Sun revealed that about $10 million of the funding would be funnelled into school programs promoting healthy eating, exercise and positive body image.

Schools will also be able to apply for grants of more than $50,000 to set up vegetable gardens and grants of up to $6000 to encourage physical activity and nutrition.

State Government statistics show almost half of all Victorian adults are overweight or obese.

Childhood obesity is particularly worrying for parents and doctors, with children as young as four battling weight problems.

Hospitals are spending thousands of dollars on the installation of bariatric equipment that can care for patients weighing up to 500kg.

Last year the Royal Melbourne Hospital opened a purpose-built room with extra-wide doorways and bathroom, reinforced toilet, arm rails and beds to hold patients from 350kg to 500kg.

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 1:22 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Time Wasting For Hump Day

Is this the greatest game ever?

http://www.americandadvsfamilyguy.com/

But then, someone goes and does this...

http://www.columbinegame.com/

The ying and yang of gaming, in all its checkered glory.

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 9:03 AM :: 0 Comments:

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Monday, May 22, 2006

The Great Hat Eurovision Review!

And the winner is...FINLAND!

Yes, Finnish hard rock band Lordi, in the true tradition of KISS, have surprised everyone (including themselves) and won the premier world event for the celebration of all things Euro-Trash: EUROVISION 2006.

Mr Lordi, lead singer and man-with-an-axe, said:

"We won the contest, looking like this...It just goes to show that Europe is not such a bad place."


Mr Lordi also touched on a subject dear to Freud's heart: Fathers.

"...We’re not Satanists or devil worshippers...This is entertainment. The masks are like our calling card and we’ll never perform without them. It would be like Santa Claus handing a child his gifts and Christmas time and then pulling off his beard and saying, ‘By the way, I’m your father…’"


I for one am pleased that theatrics, costumes, make up and atrocious singing were duly celebrated this year...no...wait...that happens every year.

So setting aside Terry Wogan's hilarious commentary, the lame hosts and the fact that voting is a massive conspiracy, here is my executive review of all things Eurovision Greece 2006.

The So-Bad-It-Was-Good...
- Finland (hoorah for stage-rock theatrics)
- Spain (not in tune, but nice staging)
- Romania
- Bosnia Herzogovina
- Lithuania (how can you NOT like a song which is "we are the winners..."?!)
- Andre the Armenian (ooo...I like what you did with that ribbon...)

The In-Offensive...
- Israel (white is the new black)
- Switzerland (with token Justin Timberlake look-a-like...who did nothing...)
- Norway (nice try with the fiddles, and hot blondes always go down well)
- Ukraine (possibly twice as hot as Norway...sorry Bjornar)
- Ireland (another boring Irish ballad)
- Sweden (nice dres....)
- Turkey (nice tatts....)
- Latvia (a good try on the acapella)

The Downright Awful...
- Moldova (Just awful...What's the go with the Wyclef wannabe?)
- UK (School girls are fantastic..but the rapper is seriously wack)
- Malta (tacky and oh so bad)
- FYR Macedonia
- Greece (the faux-gothic outfit didnt help)
- Croatia (hmmmm....)

And now, for the glitz and glam!
Top: The abysmally bad British entry, though +1 for hot school girls.
Bottom Left: Moldova...if possible, even worse than England.
Bottom Right: Ukraine is known for hot women and bad boots.



Posted by Dave The Hat :: 10:27 AM :: 0 Comments:

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Friday, May 19, 2006

Fair Effort


Not content with being known for walls, hardcore rock music, Oktoberfest, evil moustaches and weird food, the Germans can add "inventive thieves" to the list.

German police are asking for help in tracking down the thieves who stole an entire roller coaster. The 18-tonne big dipper was stolen from a truck that had stopped at a car park in Bischofsheim (loose German translation "Lost Amusement Rides") on its way to a nearby fair.

The local police chief said:

"...The last thing we want is for amateurs to try putting it together."


I think there should be a Thievery Hall of Fame - kinda like the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame, except more creative. Remember the guys who were knicking electric power poles in America? I think they just got beaten.

In other exciting news, the ARIA charts no longer mean sweet F A. [Some would say they didn't mean anything to start with, but I digress...] HMV, Sanity and Virgin music stores have informed our peak industry body that they no longer intend to submit their weekly sales figures, instead doing their own chart. Fantastic. Another chart featuring another lot of washed up Australian Idol failures bought by another lot of pre-teen school girls flushed with cash after doing a weeks worth of washing up. You know what I want? I want the Tooth Fairy/Father Christmas/Easter Bunny to bring each child a copy of The Clash...or Rammestein...or the SEX PISTOLS! Yes, lets bring the antidote to the people...

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 2:16 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

It's a bonza idea, maaaattteeee....


Oh this is good. Very very good. Microsoft announced yesterday its Australian subsidiary was putting forward a list of 'Aussie' words and slang to be included in then next edition of Microsoft Office.

Crikey.

While Bradman and Phar Lap made the list, BOONY DIDN'T! I think is a gross miscarriage of justice. Let's start the angry email campaign...now! On the upside, BOGAN could soon make it. As could SHELIA and UTE. But they missed the opportunity to include DRONGO. Somehow, I get this impression that Microsoft HQ are under the belief we are ALL like Steve Irwin, just walkin around town in khakis, yelling at wildlife and getting excited about stuff.

I think I'm ashamed.

You can go and vote for your top 5 words here.

There is an alternative than listening to Aussie-ocker PCs...yes, it is JOINING A TRIBE IN FIJI! For a few hundred dollars, you too can become a certified tribe member with all the pros...you can even apply to be chief.

Some people really do have too much time on their hands...

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 10:08 AM :: 2 Comments:

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Monday, May 15, 2006

I Keeps It REAL!

For all teh haters out there who think that Snoop has lost his presence/his gangsta image, I have news for you:

...Last month Snoop (34), AKA Calvin Broadus, and five other men were denied entry to a British Airways first-class lounge...


Snoop obviously had a very big choice to make; leave with dignity intact or KEEP IT REAL:

...Snoop Dogg was given a police caution for using "threatening words and behaviour"...

Snoop has been banned from flying British Airways over the fracas.


Snoop's real-o-meter was obviously sky high (har har har)...

Yes, it is a real story. (It goes on to say that a "mini-riot" ensued and seven officers were left with minor injuries and one suffered a fractured hand.) In all honesty, Snoop could kick my ass with a piece of bellybutton lint, but it still makes me smile; you know, the image of a blinged out rapper yelling at Airport Security "I'll be getting into you mini bar, fo' SHIZZLE!"

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 2:56 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Improv Everywhere

I'd be keen to do something like this. Let me know if you want to, and we will organise a weekend soujourn somewhere.

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 1:36 PM :: 2 Comments:

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Monday, May 08, 2006

SMUT!

Everyone's favourite British smut report, The News Of The World (if by news you actually mean 'pants'...) has a titilating - and I emphasise the first three letters - slideshow and article about more Warney antics. Oh dear...

And yes, John Wood won a logie. No I didn't watch it, but I'm sure he deserved it quite a substantial bit more than, well, the entire casts of Neighbours and Home and Away combined. Apparently Joan Rivers was trashed as well...and people wonder why the Logies are not held in high esteem...

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 7:48 AM :: 0 Comments:

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Thursday, May 04, 2006

Moon Cheese!

I think I might change jobs. Google needs me. So if you don't hear from me in a while, I'm out helping store data on the moon.

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 10:37 AM :: 0 Comments:

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Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Perfect Science Love

Google loves it's AdSense software, and well they should. It's an ingenious idea: display text ads on the right hand side of the page that are directly linked to the topic in discussion (Gmail/Blogger) or searched for (Gooogle). But this freaked me out:

Hmmm.

I just finished reading a Rolling Stone article on Scientology. Put simply (in my humble opinion) if you need Tom Cruise to spruik your shit (kinda like a white boy version of Pimp My Ride), you're in trouble. Look, it's not cool to hate on people's 'religions' (the term can be loosely used these days I know)...but if these guys can make it all legit, why not Jedis? COME ON!

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 2:48 PM :: 2 Comments:

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What Are They Listening To?

This story is front page news on The Age.com.

So my question is: WHAT are they listening too? I'm pretty sure the theme music from 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea is not the there. Maybe "The Roof Is On Fire"? Or are they heavy into 'underground' rap (ha ha)...maybe a bit of Talib Kweli?

If nothing else, this story lets me post the coolest speaker set-up for ipods...EVER...in the history of speakers for ipods:


Posted by Dave The Hat :: 1:13 PM :: 4 Comments:

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Monday, May 01, 2006

Lurching from topic to topic...


They came, they saw, they lurched.
About 100 undead lurched from the Sydney Town Hall to the Opera House today as part of the city's inaugural Zombie Lurch.

How fantastic. I have not laughed this hard in a while...Finally, a non-for-profit organisation worth giving money too (And no, we're not talking about Christians Against Hip Hop...)

Now onto more serious matters; just how long will it take for a movie version of the Tasmanian mining tragedy to turn up? I mean, it only took the Da Vinci Code a couple of years, and they had to travel the world for all sorts of locations. We only need Tassie for a few weeks! Our current discussions centre on Alf from Neighbours repeating his favoured role of a bar manager, with 'that guy' who plays Kim's husband on Kath and Kim as the beleagured mine manager person thing...Sam Neil will of course get a part, and don't be surprised if the Daddo's turn up. (We - The Hat and I - do pass on our sincere thoughts and wishes to the family of the one deceased miner.)

So much for being the bum end of Australia...mine disasters, football sirens, Port Arthur commemorations...Tassie is where it's at!

I round off today's update with news that will warm the heart of Bjornar and his quest to document significant contributions Norwegians have made to the world. Seems they explore. Many years ago a guy by the name of Thor Heyerdahl tried to prove that crazy South Americans on kon-tiki rafts had floated across the ocean from Peru and colonised remote islands. Well, the family is back! Yes, Thor's grandson - who must be a god (hahaha) - is set to repeat the journey, only this time he has GPS. Though as he said: "We'll still have to wait five days for help if something goes seriously wrong."

Oh, and while you're bored and online, help this guy out.

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 9:25 AM :: 1 Comments:

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