Monday, October 31, 2005

Advanced Simplicity? I think not!

My father did something commendable, but ultiamtely fruitless, today. He bit the bullet and bought a new printer to replace our "worn out" (see: less than five years old) Canon Bubblejet. He went for the ultra swish Canon Pixma ip4200! I know! I have to tell you, it looks plenty nifty, all black and sleek like some sort of stealth bomber. Kudos goes to the packaging as well, but I have a real problem with the labelling. The Canon catch-cry is 'Advanced Simplicity' but I fail to see what's so simple about the fact that you sell a USB connectivity device WITHOUT A USB CABLE! Oh sure, it's clearly marked that "USB Cable Not Included", but what is the friggin' point? Someone in Cannon R&D must REALLY hate people:
R&D Monkey 1:...and finally they get the USB Cable.
R&D Monkey 2: I don't think they should.
R&D Monkey 1: Why not?
R&D Monkey 2: We've made the setup too easy. It is ADVANCED simplicity after all. The muppets who buy this need a challenge.
R&D Monkey 1: But isn't that just an irritating lack of inclusion?
R&D Monkey 2: Perhaps. I'd like to think it is ADVANCED irritation.
R&D Monkey 1: By the grace of inkjets YOU'RE RIGHT!

Seriously, I like Cannon printers. They do a nice pretty job, and we were happy with our other one until it got "old". But Cannon employees, if you are reading this, NOT having a USB cable is a real pain in the arse. A big one. We really did toss up whether just to drive back to the store half an hour away just to return it. It's the equivalent to sitting on fifteen bees while smearing your cheeks with honey. Not a good idea. Comprende?! I knew you would understand.

Speaking of advanced simplicity, hasn't eBay been a revelation over the past few years. I mean, where else could you post semi-naked pictures of your wife as payback for her cheating on you?! Nowhere but eBay, jewel of the Internet. While we're on the topic of sex (it always happens doesn't it?!)...Halloween Costumes. For those of you who feel the need to dress up and share the shit out of people, think before you leave the house. You never could be sending the 'wrong signals'...and you could be the one that ends up scared and scarred.

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 11:28 PM :: 3 Comments:

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Tuesday, October 25, 2005

I Want To Take His Face...Off!

Here's something that'll bake your noodle. According to an essay on, the movie Face/Off apparently features upwards of 200 deaths! If we're going to start measuring movies by their body counts, then some of these romantic comedies better hook their male leads up with some hardware ASAP.

Think about it. How To Make An American Quilt would have been infinitely less boring if, halfway through, it turned out that the quilt racket was just a dodgy cover for illegal gun running...and that the Russian mafia had caught wind of it and went all "submachine-guns-at-sunset" on those crazy psudo-knitter types. And what about The Sixth Sense? That kid saw dead people EVERYWHERE. I'd love to know the body count in that film.

Mind you, 200 is sweet FA. I mean, Topper Harley (aka Charlie Sheen) literally lost count in one memorable scene of the Hot Shots series. I will concede though, that most of those weren't "witnessed", and were merely numbers on the page so to speak.

So the challenge has been set people. Find a film that can either:
a)beat the 200-in-one-film "record"
b)challenge the thousands claimed in Hot Shots
c)be greatly improved by a high(er) body count

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 9:36 PM :: 4 Comments:

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Sunday, October 23, 2005

Not Just For Cleaning Your Arse...

This is a warning for all of you, dear readers, that the following tale is a tragic and dirty one. This is a story with morals. This is a story with a point. This is a story with a significant conclusion, the results of which are reverberating around the world as I type this, from the halls of the UN to the oil refineries of Venezuela.

THIS is a story about toilet paper.

It starts, as most stories do, with a hero trying to overcome a problem. Let's call the hero "Dave In A Hat", and the problem "weekly shopping for the parents". Now, Dave had been a diligent young son, and had offered to do the weekly shopping for tired and recently returned home parents. The offer was duly taken up, and list was forthcoming, including rice, wheat germ and toilet paper. A special stipulation was placed on this last item - that it be ribbed and cheap.

Alarm bells should have rung for young Dave right there. Firstly, why would you EVER go cheap on toilet paper? You may as well just use a cheese grater in that instance. Secondly, why ribbed? Has it got to do with flow? Strength? I have no idea.

So off our hero goes and, upon entry into his selected shopping place of choice, immediately discovers a large stand advertising "Cheap! Ribbed Toilet Paper!". Being the quick thinking man that he his, our hero snapped up a packet.

Fast forward to the unpacking stage back at home, and a stocktake is being taken by Parent A and our hero. Thinking his work was done, Dave leaves the room only to hear a blood curdling shrief from the kitchen. The conversation that followed went something like this:

Parent A: "Look what you've done!"
Dave: "What?"
Parent A: (pointing to toilet paper) "There!"
Dave: "I got cheap AND ribbed toilet paper. Whats the problem?"
Parent A: It has PUPPIES on it!
Dave: "And the problem is....?"
Parent A: "Since WHEN have we had printed toilet paper? I cant use this!"
Dave: "Are you serious....?"

It wasn't like I was creating some sort of toilet paper museum. It wasn't as if I'd deliberately gone out of my way to buy some sort of novelty item. I had simply purchased cheap, ribbed toilet paper as requested. No mention of prints. Nothing.

WHY on earth does it matter if you have puppies, short stories or a Mozart concerto printed on your bum wiping material? Is it going to make a difference? No! But alas, that was not how Parent A saw it:

Parent A: "You'll have to take it back"
Dave: "Like hell. Anyway its kind of cute!"
Parent A: "Well YOU can use it. God, our guests can't use this!"

Yes it would be an absolute TRAGEDY if visitors to our house had to endure toilet paper featuring a cute puppy. Heaven forbid we ever get coloured paper; it'd never match the schemes in the bathroom.

But this is not where it ends dear reader. Fast forward a couple of days of puppy toilet paper useage and we come to the night our hero returns from an overnight stay at a lovely ladies house. (It should be noted that Parent A suggested "Why don't you take some toilet paper for her?". ARE YOU NUTS? Have I just stepped into the Twilight Zone or something? Flowers, yes. Chocolates, yes. Her favourite CD, yes. Toilet paper? NO! I'm sure there's a law about this somewhere...)

So anyway. Our hero is unpacking his overnight bag and about to slip into some warming slippers when, lo and behold, he discovers a roll of PUPPY TOILET PAPER in each of his slippers. Never mind the fact that our hero ALMOST ROLLED HIS FRIGGIN' ANKLE! So naturally, it was war. Our hero, all capture-the-flag/stealth like, steals his way into Parent A's room and deposits said roll of toilet paper under the pillow of Parent A. He makes his way back to his room and is in the midst of unpacking clothes when he spies...ANOTHER ROLL OF PUPPY TOILET PAPER under his clothes.

Does our hero stop and smile? Yes. Does our hero resist temptation? Like hell. He makes his way back to Parent A's room and proceeds to wrap said toliet paper around the pillow and the bedside light, before depositing the remainder at the foot of the bed. Back to the room he goes and, being the forward thinking young man he is, he searches for another roll. Sure enough, there it is, under the pillow. Ridiculous, no?! Back up to the room of Parent A (and it must be said, poor Parent B). The new target? Parent A's bag, taken everywhere.

Not a word is said over tea, and our hero takes the time to catch up on some weekly television before, sure enough, a loud yell pierces his calm relaxation.

Dave: "Hmmm. Yes?"

How Dare I? HOW DARE I? Excuse me, but shouldn't we bring up the whole "Casting the first stone" policy? This is not really a UN sponsored system in this house is it?! I mean, I was exercising due measures of protection for an UNAUTHORISED INCUSRION into my sovereign territory...

Honestly, I don't think people would believe my family.

The moral to the tale? Never by toilet paper for people other than yourself. Its just way too much hassle.

By the way, last post was the 50th one on this blog. Yay n' stuff. Don't know exactly what it proves, perhaps that I spend way too much time on the internet.

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 2:35 PM :: 3 Comments:

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Friday, October 21, 2005

It's Official! Satan Skates To Work!

In the category of "Great Sporting Names from American Sport" comes National Hockey League right winger Miroslav Satan. Satan, it appears, was born and raised in Slovakia which only proves what the US thought all along during the Cold War: that the USSR was DEMON COUNTRY. Regardless of what we think, our man Satan has had quite a long and successful career with a number of pro teams in the NHL, most recently with the Buffalo Sabres but now with the New York Islanders. Indeed it was the headline in today's paper "Sent From Above: Satan's Goal Helps Save Islanders" that really set me off in a giggle fit. Satan...doing well...OF COURSE he's doing well! He's the PRINCE OF DARKNESS, fools! I always knews the apocolypse would start in New York.

For the record, I'm a Flames man.

Speaking of all good things Satanic, goth rocker Marilyn Manson is planning to launch his own cosmetics line including powder, foundation, lipstick...and HIS OWN FRAGRENCE! Because we all need a little blackness in our lives. Given his alleged reputation for rubbing his sweaty genitals on security guards, I don't think I'd like to imagine what he SMELLS like. "Mmmm. Sweaty Goth Rocker Crotch. This is going to be HUGE with the ladies down at the coven."

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 12:04 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Thursday, October 20, 2005

IR is a Dirty Word

[Warning! Copious linkage contained within!]

Being a young, aspiring, capitalist harvester, I am becoming increasingly concerned about the proposed changes to industrial relations reforms in this country. For all the millions of dollars being thrust in my face telling me that it will be a more equal, FAIRER system it just seems a little odd. I mean, we're not allowed to see the actual legislation yet...and if it really is going to be "The Great Australian BBQ Stopper", forming a happy utopia for us all, then why do we need to spend so much money trying to convice us of this fact? According to Lil John (alas, not the one that says "YEAAAAAAAHHHHH" all the time), the ads are "doing their job"...whatever the fcuk that means.

"We have had some tracking research done and we believe the campaign is doing its job," he said, but he would not elaborate.

Riiight. Speaking of people doing their job, John, want to talk to us about the father that got paid $6K for appearing as part of the ads...whose part was later cut out? Or better yet, explain to us this scene stealer: that those happy workers that were filmed actually thought THEY WERE SHOOTING FOR A VICTORIAN WORKSAFETY AD! Really, are the new reforms SO bad that you have to resort to FRAUD to get them to appear as if they give a damn? Obviously if they really knew what they were being filmed for, they would never have done it! Smart plan Johnny! You sure showed them. There's a scary pattern emerging here ol' boy: money to make people happy (and quiet) for reforms that are supposedly sooooo good they'll stop us in the middle of our summer BBQ season?!

I think I'll leave it up to Clarke and Dawe to tell me how it really is. (It's funny because its true you know...)

You know its all gone especially bad when a UK based company with an "i" and an "r" in their name can stop Gmail spreading its wings. Probably for the best really, but sometimes you wonder whether the judges and lawyers of this world have got nothing better to do than simply serve notices to people for a bit of a giggle.

Speaking of giggling, time for some good news. There is a collection of bunnies who have devoted considerable time in recreating famous thirty seconds. I can recommend the Pulp Fiction and Alien takes. Its just like watching the original really.

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 8:19 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Following Through...

Just a quick follow up regarding matters "on gaming". It appears now that Jack Thompson is trying to sue the Penny Aracde guys. God knows why, but in his happy, fantasy land - devoid of computer games, fun and cute fluffy animals I might add - I'm sure it all makes sense. Whatever. Good on Penny Arcade for having the hazelnuts to do make a stand and try to make a difference. So if you get a moment of your time, hit up the PA site (be patient as a million and one people are hammering it at the moment), read the hilarious letter from ol' Jack and give a fellow gamer a pat on the back. Buy one of their shirts or something. They've even released a specail "I Hate Jack Thompson" tee, so now while fighting the forces of darkness and unleashing the fury, you can spread the anger AND look suitably kick ass.

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 7:41 PM :: 2 Comments:

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Another note on shoes...

Further to my previous "expose" on a new musical based around Imelda Marcos, I stumbled across The Shoe of Salvation. It seemed rather appropriate I thought:

From The INTERESTING thoughts of EDWARD MONKTON. It's philosophy + cartoons. Me thinks this is another device I will use to coax myself through these final stages of uni-mah-versity.

There are also haiku's to be found on shoes here.

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 4:23 PM :: 1 Comments:

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New Template = Uber Cool

Now I think we ALL know that no amount of window dressing is going to improve what I have to say. Having said that, the lovely Caz of Blogger Templates By Caz has well and truly come to the rescue with something smooth, funky fresh and perhaps most importantly, unique. She's also a fellow Aussie which makes her doubly cool. Take the time to marvel at the guy in the hat and then send lots of feel good emails to Caz. She rocks, really she does. So thank you Caz, for turning a drab blog with ordinary writing into a distinct and creatively designed blog...with ordinary writing. If nothing else you'll note that all those Random Acts of Stuff are now centered, including the very new Hat List.

The THESIS continues apace, people. Chapter two is my job for today and if all goes according to plan, I may have more musings for you tonight.

In the meantime, remember to check out my other procrastination, Haiku d'etat. A haiku is a three line poem of 5-7-5 syllables. Simple and fun.

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 2:15 PM :: 2 Comments:

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Monday, October 17, 2005

The Horrors of Musical Comedy

British DJ Fatboy Slim is teaming up with former Talking Heads frontman David Byrne to write a musical, to be released in March of next year. The topic? Former President of the Philipines Imelda Marcos! At last! Something truly innovative, thought provoking, comical, artistically challenging and downright original.

Billed as "a timeless story with more contemporary resonances than are comfortable", it will premiere at Australia's Adelaide Festival.
Here Lies Love will examine Mrs Marcos' passion for music and night clubs.

Ms. Marcos, well known for corruption, shoes and installing a disco in her New York town house, is certainly excellent material for stage performances. Arguably, she staged many throughout her political career.

Let's hope this is just the first in a new wave of political identity musicals that Norman Cook (aka Fatboy Slim) is working on. There are unconfirmed reports that he is also working on "Girlie Men", a celebration of Arnold Schwarzenegger's foray into the realm of American politics. And let's not forget the as net unnamed black comedy centred on Cambodia's famous Pol Pot.

This is a call out to all Australian's: let's hook up some form of mass transit to Adeliade next year and make this sucker the BIGGEST musical to hit Australian shores since the last rendition of Les Miserables. And anyway, the Womad Festival is part of said Adelaide Festival, and we like our music diverse. Yes, yes we do.

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 3:32 PM :: 4 Comments:

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Sunday, October 16, 2005

I Like Words

So, as if I didn't have enough to do, I started another blog today.

I call it...HAIKU D'ETAT!. It's about words. I like words. It's also a bit about politics. I like politics. It's the lighter side of haiku poetry. You should look at it. Go on. You can go to it here. (Alternatively, the link is Tell your friends. Hell, tell your enemies.

But no, dear reader, this does not mean the end for the Musings of myself and The Hat. Merely an alternate for foucsed creative pursuits (i.e. writting cool little haiku's). I still have plenty of rants left in the tank to spill forth on these hallowed pages. 'N fact, I'm working on one now. It's about toilet paper. I think you'll be impressed.

Which opens up something else. If any of you have creative suggestions about how best to improve the aesthetics of this blog's template, please make contact. Pretty please? I'd love to spice it up a bit and make it look neater n stuff.

But now...the THESIS beckons.

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 1:11 PM :: 2 Comments:

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Friday, October 14, 2005

On Gaming...

*sigh* Trust me to get so angry that I update this blog. Just did the daily rounds of fabled web cartoons and all round nice guys Penny Arcade and Ctrl-Alt-Del. Seems that another whacked out, power hungry, egotistical, legalistic, moronic excuse for a law enforcer, Jack Thompson, has decided that - wait for it - COMPUTER GAMES ARE BAD! His remedy? Offer $10k to the charity of choice of the game designers who make a game on his idea, A Modest Video Game Proposal. His idea? A bitter parent wages war on the video game industry with an assortment of weapons after his son is killed by a - wait for it - VIOLENT GAMER!

Yes. Let's solve "violence" with more violence. Way to go Jack. I live on the opposite side of the world to your little haven in Miami and this is making me mad, so god knows how the gamers in your neck of the woods are feeling. Its funny, isn't it? He worries about the violent computer game geeks of this world, and then waves a red flag in their faces. I think this about sums it up...and this.

For the final word, I turn to Penny Arcade:

You may have seen Jack’s proposal mentioned on various news sites. He’s offering 10 grand to charity if a game developer makes a game based on his insane proposal.

So I got his email address and I went ahead and sent Jack a note this morning: "10 grand is pretty weak man. Through our charity gamers have given over half a million dollars in toys and cash to children’s hospitals all over the country."

The fact is when we kick off Child’s Play 2005 on November 1st we’ll be going global. We’ll be delivering videogames and toys to children’s hospitals all over the world now. I don’t think there’s any better response to Jack’s insane ramblings than that. Maybe Jack would like to donate his 10 grand to Child’s Play, that could buy a lot of Game Boys.

Does anyone seriously believe that violent computer games warrant as much attention as all of this, given that we spend the gross domestic product of a small nation every year on the after effects of drink driving? Yeah. Didn't think so.

If you're desperate to keep abreast of the situation, check out Kotaku and also the Advanced Media Network.

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 2:27 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Sunday, October 09, 2005

The Reason Why We Can't Buy Underwear

So there's a reason why we males cannot for the life of us find the right pair of lingerie for our special ladies. It all comes down to numbers, and, more importantly, our interpretations there in. See, when our other half goes into the shop, they see sizes. 12...33...24...CC..A...B... and so on and so forth.

BUT! When we go in, do we see sizes? Ohhhh no. We see degrees of difficulty, THAT'S what we see! You can imagine it now:

So the higher the number, the less likely I am to get this thing off later...riiigght. Shit, that one's a 24! Moving right along...

So ladies, be kind to us men. We try, we really do. It's just that we can't see ourselves as doing the equivalent of an Olympic-diving-double-back-flip-chest-kung-fu-roll just to escape the store alive and with modesty in tact. Our brains just cant do the calculations.

Another unsolved mystery, solved. I can now sleep easy at night.

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 2:26 PM :: 4 Comments:

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Wednesday, October 05, 2005

News Flash! Lenin Into Organic Vegetables!

There are new plans afoot to remove the body of one of Russia's most popular leaders from public display and finally bury the past.

The body of Lenin lies on public view in a mausoleum on Red Square, where his remains are said to sprout occasional fungi. Let's stop and think about that. Fungi. 'shrooms and shit. The man that brought Marx to the Red Centre and really put early Communisim on the map is now A MARKET GARDEN! Oh, how the tables have turned. You know what they say, payback's a bitch...

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 4:15 PM :: 3 Comments:

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Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Fame and Fortune Beckons...

Ahh PokerStars! How I love thee, single handedly keeping my thesis submission on a knife edge.

Poker Championship

I have registered to play in the
Online Poker Blogger Championship!

This event is powered by PokerStars.

Registration code: 6660706

Hooray for procrastination!

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 8:06 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Sunday, October 02, 2005

Class Is About To Begin, Kiddies!

And today's philosophical question for debate:

Would you trust ice cream from a gay guy?!

First things first, the answer is not as dirrrrrty as you would think.

Secondly: I am not homosexual, and I have a number of awesome gay mates. But I was moved to contemplate this question after a a decidedly piss-poor excuse for a Maccas thickshake was delivered into the waiting hands of an expectant drinker on a hot day...

I mean, gay guys have a much greater attention to detail than most of us, right? That's why they always know how to look better, dress smarter, be more polite. It's a knack, a skill and a privilege that takes hours to perfect. We mere mortals cannot hope to reach such a level. But how hard is it to get a quality thickshake around here?!

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 5:00 PM :: 2 Comments:

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Great Misuses Of Che's Photo #678

I guess you know you've really made it as an icon when Photoshop nerds are clambering over themsleves and their Dungeons & Dragons merchandise just to try and fit some two-bit celebrity into the frames of your image and life.


Posted by Dave The Hat :: 1:03 AM :: 1 Comments:

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Gear Grinding Volume 1

It's quite late and I am on the verge of major procrastination from my thesis. And its about time we went all verbal-postal, Peter Griffin style. This could be angry and I said, I'm a snowball of procrastination...

Do You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?
Lame slogans on tshirts and jumpers. You think you're the first person to wear that thing? THEY ARE MASS PRODUCED FOR A REASON! That's right...millions of idiot people just like you have already brought one. Bad slogans on tops are like temporary tattoos and, increasingly, ring tones. Funny once, but after the 80th fucking time of seeing/hearing it....ohhhh boy. Better be out of line of sight or ear shot when someone with an attention span greater than a fruit fly comes walking past. So no, it's not funny to wear a hoody which has the following slogan printed on the front:

You have been a bad girl. Go to my room.

Seriously, are you that convinced you need to exercise the use of your malformed, lame excuse for a Y-chromosome in that way to try and score yourself someone who has the IQ of an unwashed petrie dish? Please.

And for all you people wearing a jumper with THAT photo on it - be proud to know that you are in fact NOT revolutionary. In any way. Or punk. Or EMO (another rant there, but I digress). Do you really think that Che would be wearing a top with his head on it? No! And no, he would not be wearing no Dominique Wilkins-Atlanta Hawks throwback jersey either. Do you what he would be wearing? KHAKI GREENS! That's because he was in a military coup. Go look up that word; it should have come in the dictionary that would be nigh on compulsory for people such as yourself to have, when even contemplating buying that shirt. You want to be really revolutionary? Go and get yourself shot at. That's what happened to Che. That's what happened to the Jacobin's in the French Revolution. And do you think that Lenin had it easy? Buh buh! Thanks for playing. What have we got for you as a memory of your time here on our show? A great big "GET SOME NEW MATERIAL" and "IT'S ONLY FUNNY UNTIL YOU GET HURT...THEN ITS HILARIOUS!"

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 12:44 AM :: 2 Comments:

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