Sunday, January 08, 2006

I Am Back/Why Am I Here?

Merry festive seasons to all. By now you should have finished celebrating whatever it is you choose to celebrate. I hope it was a happy and safe one for you regardless. Mine involved too little reading, many a close and quiet moment with the Pod of Dave and eating like a king. I recommend a check back at DealerMcDope's Live Journal page for a rundown on Hotham shenanigans).

And it is this time of year where tradition holds that we must reconnect with our innerselves on all sorts of levels. Feeling well connected enough with my inner (and outer) man, I decided I would merely reconnect with This Blog here. This Blog is, like all good wall mounted air conditioners, a really excellent place to vent. This Blog is, despite my best journalistic intentions, not written coherently or indeed correctly. This Blog is like a fine cheddar cheese left at the bottom of the fridge for a month; flaky, random, interesting and not something you want to eat before you go to bed. This Blog is, if nothing else, a bit of fun.

So, seeing as Januaray is The Official Month For Making Annoying Lists No One Cares For, I will add to the chaos with my top 4 predictions of 2006:

1. The World Cup of Soccer, for all its best intentions, will be a massive televisual, entertainment and sporting flop in all nations bar the US Virgin Islands and Peru. Brazil will win again, playing seven strikers with only a token defender, the Italians will be caught in a scandal involving shampoo products whilst the Americans will go back to being also-rans, under the excuse of "we just don't care".

2. 2006 will suck so much better than 2005. This is because we always have to improve. This year, its the economy that will collapse in a screaming heap, thanks to opium addled OPEC reps dumping tonnes of oil onto Christmas Island. The world will switch back to the barter system, coconuts will become primary currency, and millions of fans of Monty Python will be seen haggling over the price of a number of lovely gords...

3. Virtual music of the Crazy Frog/Idol persuasion will continue to be popular, but the number one hits from around the world will actually come from dead people, mirroring an increasingly disturbing trend of the past few years. Hendrix will reach number one in the Ukraine, Lennon will have a hit album in France, whilst a collaboration between John Denver and Tupac will have England grind to a halt. Brittney Spears will top the charts in Japan, further proving that they have their finger on the pulse of popular music; yes she sucks, yes her career is deader than a cat swung too many times in a dunny.

4. For all these shocks, 2006 will bring a number of certainties:
- 27 new varities of iPod will be marketed and break new buying records (the Orange Jaffa Scratch-and-Sniff iPod will prove to be popular amongst junkies and DJs alike)
- Mariah Carey will mary someone in position of authority, and someone with a personality, filling the huge voids in her own make up.
- Scientology will crawl back under a rock and Kabala will no longer be popular after Madonna finds spiritual enlightenment within the pockets of Guy Ritchies pants. The new 'in' religion of 2006 will this be called "Lintopia", with many hayfever sufferers jumping on board.
- After filling the void with Poker left by the ice hockey lockout, ESPN will realise that no one watched hockey anyways, much to the disappointment of the Ottawa Senators who finally seemed to get it right. With a small nod to Cotton McKnight, the new insport will be EXTREME ARCTIC BLINDFOLD BILLIARDS! WHOOOOOAAA!
- Not so much a certainty, but a hope: Misha Barton, Tom Cruise and Kirsten Dunst will all be hit by the same bus as they leave a taping of Oprah after announcing their secret love tryst.

Lock this in the time capsule people. Its bound to be influential come December.

I thought we would kick off 2006 in style, and with a small nod to the true meaning of christmas; erotic bible calendars.

Finally, go vote in the Triple J Hottest 100. It's the top 100 songs you probably couldn't play to your mum, but are, surprisingly enough for most of you docile masses, alot more talented and musically adept than the 15th finalist on Australian Idol XV.

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 9:57 PM :: 3 Comments:

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