Sunday, October 23, 2005

Not Just For Cleaning Your Arse...


This is a warning for all of you, dear readers, that the following tale is a tragic and dirty one. This is a story with morals. This is a story with a point. This is a story with a significant conclusion, the results of which are reverberating around the world as I type this, from the halls of the UN to the oil refineries of Venezuela.

THIS is a story about toilet paper.

It starts, as most stories do, with a hero trying to overcome a problem. Let's call the hero "Dave In A Hat", and the problem "weekly shopping for the parents". Now, Dave had been a diligent young son, and had offered to do the weekly shopping for tired and recently returned home parents. The offer was duly taken up, and list was forthcoming, including rice, wheat germ and toilet paper. A special stipulation was placed on this last item - that it be ribbed and cheap.

Alarm bells should have rung for young Dave right there. Firstly, why would you EVER go cheap on toilet paper? You may as well just use a cheese grater in that instance. Secondly, why ribbed? Has it got to do with flow? Strength? I have no idea.

So off our hero goes and, upon entry into his selected shopping place of choice, immediately discovers a large stand advertising "Cheap! Ribbed Toilet Paper!". Being the quick thinking man that he his, our hero snapped up a packet.

Fast forward to the unpacking stage back at home, and a stocktake is being taken by Parent A and our hero. Thinking his work was done, Dave leaves the room only to hear a blood curdling shrief from the kitchen. The conversation that followed went something like this:

Parent A: "Look what you've done!"
Dave: "What?"
Parent A: (pointing to toilet paper) "There!"
Dave: "I got cheap AND ribbed toilet paper. Whats the problem?"
Parent A: It has PUPPIES on it!
Dave: "And the problem is....?"
Parent A: "Since WHEN have we had printed toilet paper? I cant use this!"
Dave: "Are you serious....?"


It wasn't like I was creating some sort of toilet paper museum. It wasn't as if I'd deliberately gone out of my way to buy some sort of novelty item. I had simply purchased cheap, ribbed toilet paper as requested. No mention of prints. Nothing.

WHY on earth does it matter if you have puppies, short stories or a Mozart concerto printed on your bum wiping material? Is it going to make a difference? No! But alas, that was not how Parent A saw it:

Parent A: "You'll have to take it back"
Dave: "Like hell. Anyway its kind of cute!"
Parent A: "Well YOU can use it. God, our guests can't use this!"


Yes it would be an absolute TRAGEDY if visitors to our house had to endure toilet paper featuring a cute puppy. Heaven forbid we ever get coloured paper; it'd never match the schemes in the bathroom.

But this is not where it ends dear reader. Fast forward a couple of days of puppy toilet paper useage and we come to the night our hero returns from an overnight stay at a lovely ladies house. (It should be noted that Parent A suggested "Why don't you take some toilet paper for her?". ARE YOU NUTS? Have I just stepped into the Twilight Zone or something? Flowers, yes. Chocolates, yes. Her favourite CD, yes. Toilet paper? NO! I'm sure there's a law about this somewhere...)

So anyway. Our hero is unpacking his overnight bag and about to slip into some warming slippers when, lo and behold, he discovers a roll of PUPPY TOILET PAPER in each of his slippers. Never mind the fact that our hero ALMOST ROLLED HIS FRIGGIN' ANKLE! So naturally, it was war. Our hero, all capture-the-flag/stealth like, steals his way into Parent A's room and deposits said roll of toilet paper under the pillow of Parent A. He makes his way back to his room and is in the midst of unpacking clothes when he spies...ANOTHER ROLL OF PUPPY TOILET PAPER under his clothes.

Does our hero stop and smile? Yes. Does our hero resist temptation? Like hell. He makes his way back to Parent A's room and proceeds to wrap said toliet paper around the pillow and the bedside light, before depositing the remainder at the foot of the bed. Back to the room he goes and, being the forward thinking young man he is, he searches for another roll. Sure enough, there it is, under the pillow. Ridiculous, no?! Back up to the room of Parent A (and it must be said, poor Parent B). The new target? Parent A's bag, taken everywhere.

Not a word is said over tea, and our hero takes the time to catch up on some weekly television before, sure enough, a loud yell pierces his calm relaxation.

"Parent A: You COME IN HERE THIS INSTANT"
Dave: "Hmmm. Yes?"
Parent A: YOU CLEAN THIS UP RIGHT NOW HOW DARE YOU!


How Dare I? HOW DARE I? Excuse me, but shouldn't we bring up the whole "Casting the first stone" policy? This is not really a UN sponsored system in this house is it?! I mean, I was exercising due measures of protection for an UNAUTHORISED INCUSRION into my sovereign territory...

Honestly, I don't think people would believe my family.

The moral to the tale? Never by toilet paper for people other than yourself. Its just way too much hassle.

By the way, last post was the 50th one on this blog. Yay n' stuff. Don't know exactly what it proves, perhaps that I spend way too much time on the internet.

Posted by Dave The Hat :: 2:35 PM :: 3 Comments:

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